Thursday 29 September 2016

Neurodisney

As I type this 
I am sitting in a waiting room
In clinic D
Which is the Motor Neurone Disease clinic
In Beaumont hospital
On the north side of Dublin
I think I mentioned that my Dad was diagnosed with MND a few months ago
Which affects his lower limbs 
His hands are pretty much crippled
He can't open or close buttons 
Pull his zips up
Has trouble eating 
Opening bottles and jars
His legs are also affected
And he now walks with a stick
At one point today 
Dad came out of the bathroom holding his trousers up
And I had to zip and fasten them for him
Not that I mind doing it at all
It's just sad that he can't 
It was a real shock when he was diagnosed 
And we were all very upset 
But we are told his particular illness is slow progressing 
So 
Every couple of months 
Dad visits the MND clinic in Dublin
Where he is seen by the top neurologist in the country 
Professor Orla Hardiman
Amongst others such as the physiotherapist, the psychologist
And various other specialists 
This time 
Myself and my sister have made the trip to Dublin with my Dad
To give you an idea of the journey 
Dublin is on the east coast 
We live on the west coast 
And Dad lives right in the middle between the two
It's a three hour journey each way
Which makes for a very long day 
I really wanted to come today though 
To support my Dad 
And also support my sister who drove today 
I wanted to experience the clinic 
And meet all the specialists that Dad talks about 

My sister and left home at about 9am this morning 
We hit the road in good spirits 
Prepared for a long and possibly stressful day 
We arrived at my Dads at about 11am
Which is the house I grew up in
I don't go back to my home town as a rule 
As it is just one big trigger for me 
We drove through the town itself 
Some things hadn't changed 
Others were unrecognisable 
Being back in my childhood home is always very strange 
Every time I visit there it seems to get smaller 
Or maybe I'm getting bigger
I took a walk around the living room while waiting for my Dad 
So many ghosts and memories 
Mostly not good 
I could almost hear the shouts of arguments 
Feel the tension
The bad energy that lingers 
Truth be told 
I don't like being there 
I never did 

Anyway 
We hit the road to Dublin
I decided not to take my meds until I got home 
As I wanted to be as alert as possible
We arrived in Dublin at lunch time 
Found the hospital with relative ease
Parked in the disabled bay
Getting out of the car and in to the hoSpital 
Was akin to getting a child ready 
We had to put his jacket on 
Get his bag with all his bits and bobs
Get his stick 
Fix his clothes 
All the time watching that he doesn't trip or fall
The my sister accidentally knocked Dads disability parking disc down the front of the car 
Which with the use of a handy credit card 
We managed to retrieve 
And headed in to the hospital
As I walked through reception
I saw a sign for ST. Michaels ward 
Where I spent time when I was 19
In the detox unit 
Detoxing from heroin and methadone 
I was just a kid 
In a locked ward with hardened addicts
It was there I was first told that I had anorexia 
Bad memories 
We found clinic D
And took a seat in the waiting room
My sister and I went to get teas and coffees and sandwiches 
Which we had while we waited 
Looking around 
There were people in all states of MND
Some like my Dad walking with sticks 
Some in wheel chairs 
It was a bit of an eye opener to see the way things could possibly go
We weren't waiting long 
Before we were called to see the first doctor 
Dr. Amina Coffey
She was a young Muslim doctor 
Very pleasant
And very thorough 
As she carried out the examination
My sister took rough notes of things we would need to remember 
Then professor Hardiman saw Dad briefly 
They seemed happy that things were going relatively well
And there was no great deterioration
Next we saw Niamh
One of the physiotherapists 
Whose area seemed to be a closet off the waiting room 
She went through a questionare with Dad
Now we are back in the waiting room
My sister is dozing 
I am blogging 
And Dad is looking pensive  
In with the doctor 
Dad mentioned that his appetite has been effected 
And later on admitted to me that when he is hungry 
He can't just make something easily 
So he just has a cigar and a cup of tea 
This worried me some 
So the doctor weighed my Dad 
His weight was 76.9 kilos
I asked what it had been at his last check up 
She told me that it was 78.9 kilos 
So he has lost a little bit of weight
Not enough to be alarmed 
But it's something to watch 

It's now just after 4pm
And we are all starting to flag a bit
Waiting around like this is pretty exhausting 
And we still have the drive home to look forward to 
It's a real role reversal though
My Dad used to bring me to Dublin
To appointments 
To treatment centres 
And now I'm bringing him 
I can really see him getting old 
And it's not nice 
My Dad was always active 
Coached basketball teams for years 
And to see him deteriorate is tough
But that's life I guess 
Anyway 
I'll leave you here 
And hopefully we'll be finished her soon
I'm sure some of you can relate to parents becoming ill and old 
I was wondering how you all deal with it ?
Right 
I'm off 
See you on the next post....

Monday 26 September 2016

Monday

I had quite the busy and productive day today
While I was over in my neighbours house minding Bobby the dog
Some people called to view the house
As it is up for sale
They were only supposed to look around outside 
But they asked me if they could have a look inside 
So I put Bobby in to the bedroom
And gave the prospective buyers an impromptu tour of the house
I have to admit 
I really enjoyed it
And really got in to it too
Before I knew I was using words like 'potential' and 'space'
And isn't the light in this room amazing?
They seemed quite impressed with the house 
And made all the right noises 
It is a lovely little cottage
And in an ideal world 
I would snap it up
If I had the funds of course
Why does it always come down to money.....?

Anyway 
After my little tour 
I came home 
And got a call from the lady from the employment scheme I was looking in to 
She asked if I could meet her at lunch time today 
I could 
So we met in the local village 
Her name was Majella
And she was lovely 
She explained that the course is about getting people back in to employment 
By matching them up with an occupation they are interested in 
It's a four year course 
A mixture of training and work
Which is 20 hours a week
She asked me what areas I am interested in 
So of course I said something to do with animals 
And asked her if it would be possible to get a place in a stables 
Here's where the downer comes 
The placement can't be in a working business
It has to be a non profit organisation
So that rules the possibility of working in a stables 
So my next thought was an animal sanctuary 
Which she didn't seem entirely thrilled about 
Failing that 
I said I would be interested in working in an arts centre 
So she seemed a bit more positive about that 
Majella is going to look in to it
And get back to me
But I have to admit 
I was disappointed about the horse riding 
I came home feeling a little deflated
So I decided to do a little digging Of my own

A few short clicks on the computer later 
And I had found a horsemanship course in a town about 30 minutes from me
I decided to give them a ring 
I was speaking to a lady called Atlanta
Who was very helpful 
She told me all about the course 
Which is 18 months long 
Two days a week are spent in the stables learning about care of the horses and riding 
And three days in the classroom 
It sounded brilliant 
So I asked Atlanta so send me out the application form 
She said now is a good time to be applying 
As there are six new people starting the course next month
So I could potentially start then 
Exciting!!!

So 
That leaves me with a couple of options 
I will see what Majella comes back to me with 
And I will also apply for the horsemanship course 
I guess I will have to choose one though 
The good thing about the employment scheme is that it's two and a half days a week 
Which is very manageable 
And I can fit all my other things around it
The horsemanship course is full time 
A bit of a drive away 
But saying that 
I am much more excited to do this course 
Atlanta told me that I could do a tater course lasting a week
To see if it's something I am interested in
To be honest 
I don't need to do that 
I know I'll love it 
But I guess the smart thing to do would be to do it anyway 
Whatever happens 
I will keep my options open
But I feel real excitement when I think of moving on
And doing something I love 
I just know that what I'm meant to do will happen 
Fingers crossed....


Sunday 25 September 2016

Before and after....

When I was at horse riding last week
One of the men called Pat 
Was asking me about my condition
You see the group I ride with 
Are called para-riders
Which means they have a physical condition or disability 
For instance 
Pat has multiple sclerosis 
MS
Land in his case 
It effects the left side of his body 
So he has trouble walking 
Among other things 
Pat was asking me if I have MS
And I explained to him that I am recovering from an eating disorder
Namely anorexia and bulimia 
He didn't really seem to understand what that meant 
So on the spur of the moment 
I showed him a photo on my phone 
Of me when I was very unwell 
He was shocked to see the picture. 
I also showed Eilish and Fintan
Who were equally shocked 
Then when I got home that evening 
I showed my sister 
She said that it is a brilliant photo
If a little disturbing 
I remember when it was taken 
I asked my brothers girlfriend to take some photos of me 
To document that time in my life 
Most of the shots are of me in my underwear 
But the most vivid shots 
We're the ones of just my face 
I look like I have given up 
Like an old and very sad woman
Then I looked at photos of myself now 
And the difference is night and day 
It shows me just how far I have come 
I feel so sorry for the girl in that photo
She looks desperate 
Lonely 
Like she has been crushed by her illness 
And by life
Her eyes look dead
I am just so grateful to have made it out the other side 
To have survived
Here are the photos...


Friday 23 September 2016

Hello out there?

It's no secret
That over the last few months 
I haven't been the best blogger
Or the best reader or commenter 
I guess I kind of feel like I'm not relevant anymore 
That maybe my blog has done its piece 
And maybe I should think about retiring 
I don't want to
I want to write 
But I am just not getting much feedback these days 
So I don't know if people are reading 
If my blog is still helping people 
And even if it's good for me
Don't get me wrong 
I love you all dearly 
But I am starting to wonder if my blog has run its course 
And maybe it's time to say goodbye 
For now at least 

I started writing this blog back in 2012 
And have faithfully documented every step of my life since then 
I have met the most amazingly kind and wonderful people 
Who I will stay in touch with whether I continue to write or not 
I heavily relied on my blog when I was unwell
I was so isolated and trapped in my illness 
I didn't have friends 
I was so very lonely 
And relied on my blog for support 
For friendship 
For a break from the relentlessness of my condition
Blogger and all the girls in it
We're there for me over the years when I couldn't bear to leave the house or face the world 
But over the last six months 
My situation has improved greatly 
I made friends 
I held down a job 
I regained weight to a healthy BMI
And generally improved in all areas 
Now that my real life is flourishing 
I don't need my blog as much now
I don't have the time 
As I am out living my life 
So I guess that is a good thing 

Anyway 
This is a shout out to you 
If you are reading
If you are still following me 
Let me know t
Let  me know that you are there 
That I am still relevant
And please 
Be honest 
I'm a big girl 
I can take it 
I just need to know that I am still part of this community
And that our community is still thriving 
This is an invitation to you 
To comment 
To text 
To email 
Let me know that you are there 
That my story still needs to be told 
Show me you are there.......

Thursday 22 September 2016

Taking the rough with the smooth....

Life is full of ups and downs 
And the only real constant is change
As you know
I go horse riding on a Wednesday 
And for the last couple of weeks 
I've been been doing two classes instead of one 
Because the equestrian centre is a full hours drive from my house 
So it makes sense for me to make the trip worthwhile 
Let me tell you in no uncertain terms 
Horse riding is not easy 
The pros make it look effortless
And you could be fooled in to thinking that the horse does all the work 
But in actual fact it is hard work controlling a horse 
Trotting can be exhausting 
As you are using your whole body to rise and fall in rythm with the horse
You need to be pretty fit to ride a horse properly 
There is a reason why I'm always sore the next day 
It's because I am engaging so many different muscle groups while riding 
Anyway 
In my first lesson yesterday 
There was myself, Fintan and another girl called Laura 
Eilish is our instructor 
From the get go 
She was pushing us hard 
For me 
It was getting my posture correct 
And for Fintan 
It was his legs 
Fintan has a condition that wastes his muscles 
And he is finding riding tough going at the moment 
Fintan has become a really good friend over the last few months 
We talk every day in the phone 
We travel to riding together 
And we generally get along very well
But back to the point of this post 
After a warm up 
And a few rounds of trotting 
It was time for cantering 
For the last couple of weeks 
I have been stressing about my canter 
As it doesn't always happen for me
And I don't know why 
So 
I was first up
I trotted Star on and we got to the corner 
Eilish was shouting at me to 'Sit in!!'
And I was trying my best 
But it didn't happen 
She had me circle and go back around to try again 
But 
The same thing happened 
I was beginning to get frustrated at this point 
But Eilish had me go round again
And this time she gave me a whip
I trotted on 
Trying to get a steady pace 
So Star could easily transition in to a canter 
At the corner 
I gave him a tap of the whip as I sat in 
And straight away 
He went into a canter 
He really is a tidy little mover when he wants to be 
I got such a buzz off cantering around the arena 
As I reached the back of the arena 
I heard Eilish shout something at me 
I thought she said go around again 
But she had actually been telling me to circle 
I didn't hear in time though
And went around the arena again 
It feels amazing when the canter comes together
But it is beyond frustrating when it doesn't work out 
And more often than not 
I can't tell why it hasn't worked
Eilish really pushed me though 
And it can be hard to take 
After the first lesson
She asked me if I thought she was being too hard on is 
I said I didn't 
And I don't 
As a lot of the time I do better when pushed 
But sometimes 
Communication is an issue 
And something's get lost in translation
But I am so hard on myself anyway 
So having someone else be hard on me too can be a bit of a downer 
So the first lesson finished
And myself and Fintan got a cuppa 
And had a meeting about the lesson 
The general consensus was that it's a real bummer when the riding doesn't happen for us
But 
It's like anything 
Some days it happens 
And other days it doesn't 
And it could be down to any number of things 
The horse 
Fatigue
Or a combination of both 
That's just the way it is 
You hAve to take the rough with the smooth 

As I said earlier 
I am very hard on myself 
And am probably a bit of a perfectionist 
I want to be the very best that I can be 
I was to grow 
And improve 
And thrive 
I love horse riding 
But I also love to be good at it 
Fintan tells me that he is happy to walk and trot and do a bit of dressage 
But I'm not 
I want more 
I want to go as far as I can with this 
Where that is?
I have no clue 
But I am excited to find out 
To explore my potential 
I put a huge amount of effort in to horse riding 
It takes me over an hour to drive there
And in every lesson 
I give it my all 
Because I love it 
Because I want to be the best horse rider that I can be  
I guess that is my personality 
And when I was ill
I used these traits in a self destructive way
I used my stubbornness
Determination 
And perfectionistic streak to maintain an addiction 
And also to lose weight 
I am the type of person that when I want something 
I will get it come hell or high water 
In my addiction 
It was like playing a game of cat and mouse 
Trying to stay one step ahead of withdrawals 
And I was always playing catch up
I was constantly trying to come up with money to feed my habit 
And it is truly amazing the ways and means that I went to to score my drug
The lengths I went to were truly incredible 
So now I guess I am putting these traits and skills in to healthier pursuits 
Like horse riding 
Like my job
I swear 
If I put half the energy in to improving life as I did in to my addiction 
Then I am doing well
That is for sure 

In other news 
I haven't heard back from the course I applied for 
I really hope to hear something before the weekend 
I just want to know if I have a place or not 
As I hate hanging around just waiting 
But if it doesn't work out 
Then I will find something else 
I trust that I will be guided in to the right path
And that I am exactly where I am supposed to be
As someone once said 
When one door closes 
A window opens 
I just hope my next window leads me to a happy place 
I just want to do something to learn 
To be happy 
Content 
To work in an area I love 
To be a good person 
That's all I want

So that brings me to the end of another post 
Thank you for staying with me 
I know the changes in my life and my blog are difficult to adjust to 
But I appreciate you sticking by me 
Thank you 
From the bottom of my heart...

Tuesday 20 September 2016

Tuesday

I saw my counsellor Breda again this morning 
I had to finish off filling out forms for the course I am applying for 
It's basically a work/training scheme 
20 hours a week
It's a tailor made course for each individual 
So I will be matched with an occupation that I am interested in
So for myself 
I mentioned horse riding
Animals 
And writing 
I'm really hoping a stables will take me on and train me 
And the great thing is 
That it lasts for four years 
It sounds perfect for me 
So I am really hoping it works out
There are ten places available 
With only two places left 
So I just hope I'm not too late applying 
We will see I guess 
Because the thing is 
Only a week after finishing work 
I  already starting to get bored
And last week 
I misused my meds 
In an effort to fight the boredom 
So I know I need to get busy doing something 
Before I get in to a rut of abiding my Mrs and doing nothing 
It really is my dream to work in a stables 
I think about horse riding all day 
I dream about it at night 
I love for Wednesday's 
And my two lessons 
There are quite a few horse riding centres near me 
So I have a few options 
I'm keeping my fingers crossed they it will work out 

So I'm getting used to having less money again 
Now that  I am not working 
I have a lot less disposable income 
And it is an adjustment 
But I managed before 
So I will manage again 

I don't have a lot to say today 
I just wanted to check on and say hello 
Happy Tuesday....

Sunday 18 September 2016

Sunday

Today 
Is the first Sunday I have had off since I started working four months ago
It's very strange
But very wonderful
I slept in until 9 45am
Which is very unusual for me 
As I am an early riser
And if I am getting up for work 
I get up before 7am
For as long as I can remember 
I have disliked Sunday's 
When I was a child 
It was the day before going back to school
And as I grew up 
It was the day before going back to work
Sunday was also usually the day when I had the fear 
A severe hangover 
Or a horrible come down from what ever substance I had been taking the night before 
I also find Sunday's a very lonely day 
I've always associated it with families and couples 
Doing family and coupely things 
So yes 
I was glad to be working this day for the whole summer
And today is my first Sunday off in a while 
I got up late 
Had breakfast 
And brought Lea for a walk 
Honey doesn't always come with us now 
And I don't make her go 
She comes when she feels like it 
And that is entirely her perogative 
My dogs are old now 
Nearly 12 years old 
But they have had a long and happy life 
And I am hoping that they will be around hit another few years 

Anyway 
This weekend 
An old friend of my sisters came to stay with us 
Geraldine 
She was actually my sisters first girlfriend 
And they were together for a long time 
So this girl has known me since I was a kid 
Her and my sister broke up 
But she still remains a close family friend 
And we all love her to bits 
So we had a lovely weekend 
Chatting 
Walking 
Drinking tea
And remembering the good ol' days 
The last time Geraldine saw me 
I was in hospital 
And not in a good place at all
So it's nice that she got to see me in a much better place 
She is so lovely 
And we had such a great laugh
Below are some photos we took this morning 
Happy Sunday
What ever you are doing...