Ana bites back???

The past week has been tough

And I've avoided writing about it 

Because I don't know if there's cause for concern

I don't know if what I am doing is normal

Or an ED behaviour

I don't know if I should even write about it

But when I read Kate's post the other day

And saw she had the courage to post how she was feeling 

This blog is not about how recovery is all rainbows and unicorn farts

This blog is about reality

About what life is like living with

And recovering from an ED and addiction

And let me tell you

Recovery is not a straight path 

There are many twists and turns

And bumps and obstacles along the way

Sometimes it feels like one step forward

And two steps back

Right now I feel like I have taken those steps backwards

Let me explain

In recent times 

I had stopped weighing 

And was using my clothes as a measure of my size

I had certain items of clothing that were like a gauge for me

One item being a pair of navy trousers that I bought in London summer 2014

These trousers are a size 10

But have a really tight fastener at the front 

When I bought them 

They were a bit too big 

But I like to have a bit of wiggle room in my clothes

Over the next year my weight was quite stable 

And any time I tried on the trousers 

They always fit 

Then this year my weight fluctuated quite a lot 

I lost weight in Turkey

But put it on again when I came home 

Then 

About 10 days ago 

I weighed myself 

The number didn't devastate me

In fact it didn't mean a whole lot

But then 

I tried on said navy trousers 

And couldn't close the clasp

Albeit they were just a little bit too tight

But to me

That was unacceptable 

I didn't plan on doing anything 

I wasn't dieting or anything like it 

But one thing was for sure

I was getting back in to those trousers 

So

I began to be more mindful of what I was eating 

And decided not to eat after my main meal in the evening 

And dare I say it

I even had a goal weight

Am I on dodgy ground yet?

I think so...

The last ten days

Ive been weighing myself every morning 

I've lost eight pounds 

And want to lose a few more 

I must stress though

I am not under weight 

And goal weight is not under weight 

I just want to fit in my clothes 

That's ok

Isn't it?

I don't know 

This all seems harmless

And maybe I  am totally deluded 

The navy trousers close now 

But now I want more room I them 

Is that ED talking?

I don't know guys 

Please tell me if this sounds disordered 

Or if it's normal to want to lose a few pounds 

Because I don't want to go backwards 

I don't want to be underweight

I don't want to put my family through that nightmare again

I've told my mother about my plan

And asked her to alert me if I'm getting obsessive 

I am eating 

And I am not starving 

Or bingeing and purging 

I'm just being a little more careful with what I choose to eat 

I just want to feel ok in my skin

I just want to fit in to my clothes 

I just want to be healthy and happy 

I do not want to harm myself 

Or any one else 

Thoughts please..

To Paris with love...

I woke up this morning to the news of the terror attacks in Paris last night

As I write this

My Mother and I are watching the news 

And the terror that unfolded 

My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those that were killed

And I genuinely worry for the state of the world 

Take care today

Keep your loved ones close 

And remember how lucky we are 

That we weren't attacked

That we are not living in a country under siege 

And forced to flee our homes for an unknown and uncertain future 

That we, as women, have the luxury of food

Of clean water 

Of the right to vote 

The right to education

All over the world atrocities are happening 

Sometimes it doesn't seem real to me

It's like a made up story 

Happening in a made up place

These attacks in Paris are too close for comfort 

Today I am grateful to have my family safe and well 

To have my dogs at my feet 

And freedom at my fingertips 

Paris

We are thinking of you...

Honey and Lea, 10 years on

My dogs are now over ten years old

Honey is actually older than Lea

Although you wouldn't think it

But they are starting to act their age

Lea is always eager to go for a walk

But Honey elects to stay home some days

And cuddles up in her bed when she sees me putting on my jacket

I got Honey from the dog shelter

And the second day I had her

She was hit by a car on the road 

She was fine though

She is a tough little cookie 

As you know

Honey lost an eye earlier this year

It was quite the traumatic event for her

But

She had made a remarkable recovery

It takes more than that to stop a feisty little terrier

Honey often gets ailments now

Her paw gives her trouble 

And some days she doesn't move from her bed 

She is still as cheeky as ever though 

No matter how many times you tell her not to do something 

She will do it any chance she gets 

If the hall door is left open

She will sneak down and make herself at home on my bed 

One thing about Honey 

Is that she loves her food 

After she has finished her dinner

She will go over to Lea

To see if she has any left

When she hears the biscuit tin being opened 

She comes running 

Honey likes to think that she is the boss of everything 

But in all reality

Lea could really hurt Honey if she wanted to

She just lets Honey think she's the boss

Lea on the other hand

Is a gentle giant 

She's more sensitive 

More gentle 

She just wAnts you to rub her all day long 

And if you stop 

She will nudge your hand with her head until you start again

Lea is quite needy

And any time I walk in to the kitchen

She gets up and follows me 

My mother jokes that Lea is a special needs dog 

Because she is not as smart as Honey

But I think Lea deserves more credit than that 

When I let her out at night for her last run before bed 

When she is finished 

She will go around to the sitting room window 

And bark for you to let her in

That's pretty intelligent if you ask me

Lea was almost a Mama once

She was pregnant with puppies 

But when we brought her for a check up 

There were no heart beats 

Although she still had to give birth to them

So it was quite the traumatic experience for her 

Lea found it really difficult when I was In treatment over the years 

Mum has told me how she fell in to depression 

And her fur even fell out

Yes 

There is no doubt

Lea is a sensitive little soul

Lea and Honey have been a source of great joy in my life 

A dog is a great companion

A friend for life 

They have have been an integral part of my recovery too

When I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed

I got up for them 

When I didn't want to leave the house 

I left to walk them 

They have been by my side every step of my recovery 

They have enriched my life 

I really believe that animals have the power to heal us 

Whether it's horses

Or cats

Or hamsters 

They take us out of ourselves 

They remind us to forgive 

They give us something to focus on other than ourselves 

They are loyal and loving companions 

I love them so much 

I'll leave you with this saying 

I wish I was as great as my dog thinks I am 

New do

As you know

I had half my head shaved a few months ago

Well

I say shaved 

It was actually cut very short

But not quite shaved 

The hair has grown back quite quickly

And instead of heading back to the hairdresser like a normal person 

I asked my sister to shave it

But then the only shaver I could find was the dogs clippers 

I must stress

I had not use it on the dogs at all 

It was fresh out of the box

This time I really did shave it

And I'm really liking it

Who knows 

I might even shave my head if the fancy takes me!

Anyway

Enough with the words

Here are the photos....

TV Opportunity

Yesterday

I was contacted by a lady called Natasha 

From a production company called The Connected Set

She informed me about an upcoming programme they are making about eating disorders 

And asked me if I could share their information on my blog

To see if anyone is interested

Below is her contact information 

--

Do you suffer from an eating disorder?

Are you willing to share your experiences with the nation, working alongside fellow sufferers in a unique one-off television programme?

We're looking to speak to present sufferers of disordered eating conditions including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, emotional over eating, orthorexia and other related conditions, to take part in a unique psychologist facilitated TV format combining group therapy with cooking.

If you are over 18, live in the Republic of Ireland, and are available for filming in Dublin the week before Christmas then we would love to hear from you.  

We are looking to bring awareness to the problem of eating disorders across Ireland in a responsible and medically safe way.  If you're interested in finding out more please drop us an email with more information about yourself and your contact details.

Contact details:

Natasha Mwansa

natasha@theconnectedset.com

The Connected Set

-- 

Natasha Mwansa

Development Team, The Connected Set
office: 020 8617 1744
address: UGLI Campus, 56 Wood Lane, London W12 7SB
twitter: @theconnectedset  

web: http://theconnectedset.com

For more casting opportunities Like our TCS Casting page

Sign up for the TCS quarterly newsletter here

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DISCLAIMER: This email does not constitute any kind of contract (explicit or implied) between The Connected Set Limited and the recipient. Any views or opinions presented are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent The Connected Set Limited. Such communication is outside the scope of the employment of the individual concerned. This e-mail (and any files contained within the email) is confidential and protected by copyright (and other intellectual property rights). If you are not the intended recipient please e-mail the sender and then delete the email and any attached files immediately. Any further use or dissemination is prohibited. Computer viruses can be transmitted by Email, it is your responsibility to ensure that this message and any attachments are virus free and do not affect your systems / data. Communicating by email is not 100% secure and carries risks such as delay, data corruption, non-delivery, wrongful interception and unauthorised amendment. If you communicate with us by e-mail, you acknowledge and assume these risks, and you agree to take appropriate measures to minimise these risks when e-mailing us. The Connected Set Limited, registered in England and Wales, company number 7439728.

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Outside

A few months ago

I saw a photo on Facebook

It was of an old woman

With a quote beside it

I can't remember the quote exactly

But the essence of her message has stayed with me ever since 

And that message was

If you just go outside wonderful things can 

You never know who you might meet

What might happen 

If you just step outside your front door 

The possibilities are endless

For a long time

I used to get up before dawn

At 6am

Sometimes 5am

To get everything done early

To walk my dogs 

Do my shopping 

Which was usually binge food

And when I saw I did my shopping 

I mean that I stole my shopping 

It's hard to imagine being in thdt place now 

I can't fathom stealing anything now 

But back then 

I was in a dark place

So yes

I got up early 

To avoid people 

To avoid having to talk to Anyone 

To avoid life 

Back then 

I usually arrived home before 9am

And depending on the day

I would either spend the day drinking

Or abusing prescription drugs

Or bingeing and purging 

It was a relentless attack on my self 

I stayed in my living room all day

Watching TV

Zoning in and out of consciousness 

Sleeping my life away 

Today 

My life is different

Now I don't make myself get up so early 

I get up at about 8am

I do t go crazy trying to get everything done

I take my time 

Walk the dogs 

Do my bits and pieces 

Go in to town 

Meet a friend 

Live my life

Today is a great example of how going outside is good for the soul

Honey has a sore paw, poor love

So myself and Lea headed out in the car

We parked in the village 

And walked down to the wooded area beside the woods

There we met a woman with a beautiful little shitzu 

We spoke for a few minutes 

About our dogs 

Until Lea barked and wanted to go

Having a dog is a great way to meet people I find 

I love talking about my dogs

And I love talking to people about their dogs 

Yesterday I was down at the lake

And when I got back to my car

Someone had left a packet of dog treats under the wiper of my car

How nice was that!

After our walk 

I decided to go for a swim

I've recently started going back swimming

I stopped going when the weather got really bad last year

And once you stop going 

It's hard to go back

But with my sisters help

I started back last week

And am thoroughly enjoying it again 

While in the pool

I met a woman who I used to meet last year

We had a lovely chat 

About anything and everything

After 100 lengths 

I left the pool feeling great

Squeaky clean

Like I had done a really good work out 

I came home 

Had my breakfast 

And felt like I really earned it

This is just a small example 

Of how if you go outside 

Wonderful things can happen

Often times 

The biggest battle I have 

Is getting off the couch

And out the front door 

But once I am out 

I am always glad I made the effort 

Whether it's going for a walk 

Or going to a meeting 

Or meeting a friend 

It's always worth it 

I know it can be tempting 

To stay in doors 

Especially during these cold months 

But if you go outside 

Even just in to town 

Or the local shop

You never know what might happen 

Or who you might meet 

It's the same with writing this blog

Because I put myself out there 

In a very public way

Amazing things have happened since I started writing this blog 

The best of all being that I have made the best of friends 

I have a feeling at the moment

That good things are on the way

Got so long

I had this horrible sense of impending doom

I felt like something awful was going to happen

And it often did

But for me and my family

Things are beginning to turn around 

As you know 

My family has had more than its fair share of trouble and stress

I grew up in an unhappy home 

With a horrible atmosphere 

And addiction 

I lost my way for a long time 

And at one point 

Four out of six of my family were in active addiction

I can not describe to you how miserable those years were

But now 

The four of us are in recovery 

And I can't remember a time when things were better

My family are closer than ever

Even though my parents are separated 

We still all meet up regularly 

And my Dad often stays here 

When my Mum was working

My parents used to swap houses during the week

A strange concept I know

But it worked for them

I am so grateful that my family is now on the mend 

And in a good place 

God knows we have been through the wars 

Now we get on

We laugh 

We meet up regularly 

We support each other 

And love each other through the ups and downs of life 

As my Mum often says 

Given what we have been through 

We are not doing too badly 

Again

I feel grateful today 

For my life 

My family 

My dogs 

My friends 

I feel so blessed to have been through addiction and mental illness 

And made it out the other side relatively unscathed 

I get on with every member of my family 

And have never been so close to them

Even though I live with my Mum

It feels more like I share a house with her 

Rather than like living with a parent 

I love living with my Mum

We get on so well

And enjoy each other's company

Then there is Honey and Lea

The light of my life 

They bring so much life and energy and fun to our house 

They are getting older now 

They are both ten

But they are still as lively as ever 

And I love them to the stars and back

So today 

I urge you to go outside 

If you are struggling 

If your mental or physical health is not great 

If you are battling mental illness or addiction

If you feel depressed

Anxious 

Or even suicidal 

If you are afraid 

Afraid of others 

Of life 

Of yourself 

If you feel trapped 

Like there is no way out 

Like you are struggling 

Drowning 

Falling apart

Breaking in to pieces 

If you don't like yourself 

Hate yourself in fact 

If you just want to hide away in your house 

If life has beaten you down 

And you feel like you want to give up

Please 

Go outside 

For for a walk 

Talk to a stranger

Smile at someone 

Acknowledge someone 

You never know what might happen

Who you might end up speaking to

Wonderful things can happen 

If you just make the effort to get out there 

Out in the world 

With others 

You never know what might happen

Do it

Do it today 

It will be worth it

I promise you.....

Way back when.... Part 2

Where was I?

Oh yes

I had spent two weeks in hospital 

And was being moved to the local psychiatric hospital 

I really didn't want to go

But what was the alternative?

Go home and continue on my path of self  destruction?

Again 

I didn't have the energy to put up a fight

So on the Sunday evening

After tea (Scrambled eggs and toast if you are interested)

I packed my little bag

And my father came to take me on the short trip to the hospital

It was a menacing looking place 

I didn't have a good feeling about it at all

All I could hope is that I wouldn't be there very long 

We were ushered in

And left to wait in an office for what felt like hours 

Mid wait

A student nurse and a patient came in and used the weighing scales in the corner of the room 

The patient was talking a mile a minute

And when she saw me, she said

'Don't worry young one, they'll feed you up in here, you'll be fine'

I was too scared to say anything

I just wanted to run out of the building and away from this place and these people

Eventually 

I was officially admitted

I was given a little room of my own 

I was so glad I wasn't sharing a room

Then I ventured up to the smoking room

There were a few women sitting in there 

I walked over 

And asked for a light 

A girl with a shaved head stood up and stuck out her hand to me 

I shook it 

She was also talking at great speed

There were a few characters 

All chain smoking and drinking tea 

There was a group 

Huddled over by the window

And a couple of women sitting on their own at the side 

Strangely 

I didn't feel afraid anymore 

Girl with the shaved head took me under her wing 

To me she seemed the most sane out of everyone 

But that didn't last long

It was when she started telling me that she had no asshole that I realised that she wasn't quite as sane as I thought

Everyone commented on my weight 

It seemed that this was a place where everyone said exactly what they thought

And again 

I got the feeling that staff didn't quite know what to do with me

They did lay down some ground rules for me though 

I had to be escorted to the bathroom

I couldn't go to the bathroom for an hour after eating 

And after eating I had to lie down in my room for an hour 

I rarely kept to the rules though 

And I refused to have someone escort me to the bathroom 

I did lie down after meals though

But then started the disgusting habit of purging in to plastic bags and hiding them in my wardrobe

I would lie on my bed at night

There was a a small window in the door of my room

Sometimes I would look up

And there would be two eyes staring in the window 

I put my head under the covers

And pretended that I was at home

There were so many characters in the hospital

There was the hospital bully

The same woman who weighed herself when I was waiting to be admitted 

She was loud and brash

And insisted she was only in hospital to get dental work done 

She preyed on the more vulnerable patients 

Although she left me alone 

Probably because I had family and friends in every day 

Some patients had no body 

I remember being at dinner one day 

The bully ordered one of the more quiet women to get her something 

I piped up and said no get it yourself 

She wasn't used to people standing up to her 

There was the woman with severe mental and physical disabilities who lived in the hospital

She would howl in the night

She must've been in such distress

The staff were pretty awful to her

I heard one asking another if this woman took sugar in her tea

The other staff member replied that 'it didn't matter'

I can clearly remember thinking that I'm sure it matters to the woman whether there is sugar in her tea or not

There was the English girl 

Who barely spoke a word

She had a personality disorder 

And thought she was Angelina Jolie

She had been admitted after trying to take out money out of the bank in the actresses name

The bank called the police

And she was brought to the hospital

She had a boyfriend that called up to her every evening 

They had met in hospital 

They sat wrapped around each other

The staff constantly telling them to stop

Then at Christmas 

The boyfriend arrived up to the hospital dressed in a tuxedo with a flower in his hand 

He came in to the smoking room 

Got down on one knee 

And proposed to Angelina

It was surreal to say the least

There were many others 

The girl who had post partum depression

And sat in the corner knitting all day

She was a nurse too

And the staff were lovely to her

There was the girl who every time she went out, she brought the TV remote control with her

That used to drive me mad!

There was the petite blonde from Dublin who had repeatedly tried to kill herself 

Then there was the lady who I saw in the doctors yesterday

She was admitted just before Christmas 

She had three kids 

And a husband who was not very nice to her

I remember the day we put up the Christmas decorations

This lady dressed the tree so beautifully

She also used to help in the kitchen 

She seemed to like to be busy

She was quiet 

Gentle 

Really pretty 

When I saw her yesterday 

She had gained a lot of weight

No doubt from the olanzapine she was almost definitely on

The doctors seemed to put everyone on it

And a lot of people in that hospital were very over weight 

But seeing this lady yesterday brought back a lot of memories 

So I guess that's why I'm writing these posts 

It was eight years ago now 

I remember the staff and patients has Christmas dinner 

There was a fizzy Apple drink on the table

And I remember some of the patients thought it was wine

I remember going home for Christmas 

And my sister and mother dropping me back to the hospital two days later

I remember looking out the window 

They were both in tears in each other's arms 

It broke my heart 

After Christmas 

I got word that a place in treatment had become available for me

I went home the night before I left 

That was the worst time I can remember in my ED history 

Thankfully 

That is all in the past 

And hopefully it will stay there