Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Work, worries and a tough time

I bring you this post a very sad Ruby
Sad about nothing 
And everything
Where to start?
I started work last week
I am undecided as to how it is going 
All I know is that I've been fighting back tears recently 
I feel like I could fall apart at any moment 
Crumble to dust and blow away with the wind
Work is a welcome distraction
But I honestly don't know if I'm going to get through the summer without a major meltdown 
Also 
My car has been giving me so much trouble 
It's been in and out of the garage 
And no joy
I've thrown money at the problem which hasn't worked
It wouldn't start again today 
And it now sits over in the car hospital 
But I am doubtful she will pull through 
It might be time to cut my losses and change it
It's incredibly frustrating having an unreliable car
As well as that 
I've just been feeling pretty low
Like my life is going no where 
I called over to Coco today 
After not seeing him for a few days 
and I swear he was pissed off at me
He was pushy to the point of being aggressive 
It was like he didn't know me at all
Quite upsetting 
But I am assured by people in the know that he's entitled to be pissed off just like we are 
Also he could have picked up on my negative feelings I guess
But his owner is being a right difficult person to deal with
I really feel like people think that because I am quiet and gentle 
That I am a soft touch
And people can take advantage of me
I really need to learn to assert myself 
As it's no fun being a door mat
And then there is the chance that I will let all this tension build up and lose the head completely 
So I am trying to remain calm and collected 
It's not easy let me tell you 

For the last couple of months 
I've been really struggling with horse riding 
I've been getting really tired and really out of breath 
Which makes it not very enjoyable 
So I told my doctor 
Who did blood tests
The results came back that I had low iron 
Low vitamin B12
And low Folic acid
Anaemia in other words 
So I've been taking supplements and tonics 
Today I went horse riding 
And I was like a different girl 
I trotted and cantered around that arena no bother to me 
I thoroughly enjoyed it 
And didn't want it to end 
She didn't let me jump again today 
As she wants to take things slow 
Which is probably sensible 
But on the way back 
I was in the car with Fintan 
And I couldn't hold back the tears 
Even though I had a great lesson
I just felt overcome with sadness and hopelessness
Like my life was crumbling around me
I spoke to mother who was great as always 
She reminded me that I have come through far worse than this 
She looked me dead in the eye and told me with such conviction that I will be ok
Will
Be 
Ok
I know I will be
But right now I am feeling low
and I have to acknowledge that
Of course my appetite is being affected by all this stress 
But I am doing my best to stay well in that department 
And God only knows how much I would love a cigarette right about now
He honestly don't know if this job is too much stress for me
I do like it 
But I worry about what people think of me
My co workers 
My manager 
The guests
There is a 16 year old working there too
And she was given a tip yesterday
Right in front of me 
Which really knocked my confidence
I've actually been thinking that I'm too sensitive 
Too delicate and fragile for the real world
I bruise so easily 
And can't help but feel like the class dunce 
My manager asked me how I was getting on so far 
I told her the truth 
She said I had no reason to worry 
That I was a breath of fresh air
That helped 
But only temporarily 
My confidence 
My self esteem
My ego
Has taken a few knocks recently 
And I don't know whether to plough ahead with work and ignore the issue 
Or leave and concentrate on getting well again
I feel tired 
I feel run down and knocked over by life
I just want to get in to bed and stay there forever

As well as all of that 
I don't know if I write about it 
But recently my Dad was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease
As you know 
My parents are separated 
And my Dad lives alone about 90 minutes away
He stays with us a good bit 
But his team want him to make a decision as to where he is going to live permanently
So they can adapt the house for him
It looks like he is going to move in here 
Which brings up a lot
My parents didn't separate because they had a happy marriage 
They split up almost twenty years ago
And we all moved here 
We left our home town for a fresh start 
And to put some distance between ourselves and him
Now we are going to be living together again
And let me tell you
It's. it easy 
My Dad is becoming very frail
He lives in his own little world 
Almost like he's regressed to being a child again
So this is a big change
A massive challenge
We are coping by taking each day as it comes
That's all we can do

But yes
I feel very low
And would only love up run in to the arms of anorexia, bulimia, heroin
Or even a cigarette
Something to just get out of my own head
And have a bit of peace
But look
I will be ok
I'm not ok right now 
But I will be
So many things have run through my head this week
I can go from zero to suicidal at top speed 
My life is not hard compared to some people 
But I have come through a lot
and sometimes I feel so tired of life 
So weary 
Like I've lived ten lives already 
But what can I do only keep going 
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
And keep fighting
As my Mam said 
I've weathered bigger storms than this 
I'm made of strong stuff
I will be ok...

13 comments:

  1. Hi Ruby, just wanted to say that I read this, and I hear you. I can relate to some of how you feel, I've had the same thought about feeling too fragile or not tough enough for this world. I think it's good policy to just take each day as it comes, and do what you can each day. You have a lot to offer, try not to shortchange yourself. <3

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  2. Hi Heidi,

    Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words, they mean a lot. And yes day by day is all we can manage. There just seems to be a lot going on right now and feel a little overwhelmed but am blessed to have amazing family and friends around me.
    Thank you again! X

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  3. Oh Ruby, I'm sorry you're feeling so low :( There's so much going on in your life right now, it can't be easy to cope with.

    I know you're stressed about it, but I'm sure you'll do just fine at work. Last year seemed to be such a positive experience for you, and knowing how everything works this time around, I'm sure you'll ace it!

    I'm sorry you had a bad day with Coco. I suppose it's bound to happen occasionally, but I highly doubt it's anything you did. You've taken such good care of him, especially compared to his owner (sometimes I wonder why he even has a horse!)

    Take care, my dear. You're in my thoughts, always <3
    xxxx

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    1. Thank you my dear Bells
      It's funny that I turn to blogger in my darkest hour
      No matter what happens
      I always find my way back to my blog
      I have to be honest about the fact that weight loss is on my mind
      It's so tempting
      Something to focus on
      To escape everything
      I just feel so low
      But thank you for being there
      It means so much to me x

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    1. Thanks Launna
      I appreciate you taking the time to comment
      I'm glad things are better for you
      I'm hoping they will get better for me too

      Much love to you x

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    2. (ah, Launna! as always taking any chance she can get to talk about herself!)
      Sry, ot, but Ruby, sometimes things just pile on. But I do not think there is anything to worry about at your work, they love you there! It's just you cannot expect them to tell you 24/7. maybe it helps to remind yourself where you came from what you have achieved, and how many times they have already told you how fabulous you are - remember last year? it just might take a little time to get used to the stress again, especially considering what else is going on in your life right now. But the job will give you stability and confidence to balance out the other things! you'll be fine!
      your long time reader

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    3. Hi Julia,

      Good to read your comment. And you have hit the nail on the head so to speak. I have no faith in myself so I'm looking to others for reassurance. It's a confidence thing too. I see the girls at work so much younger than me and so confident, maybe they are faking it I don't know but I don't know how to fake it. I will persevere though, I know I will get through this, it's a tough patch and I've been here before so I trust I will be ok. Thank you for your encouraging words, they help a lot x

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  5. Do you have any form of professional help? I know Mary released you from care some time back, but even if you don't need an ED specialist, I think it could help. Maybe give Mary a ring, and she can refer you if she is not the right person to help right now.

    Every time you worry about your work and courses, it has been your own demons torturing you though ALL of the feedback you've shared about input from peers, managers, and teachers is that you do well and your presence is valued. Try to remember that when your head tells you otherwise.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Tempest,

      Yes I was just talking to my Mam about Mary today and how I must ring her for a session or two. This is it, I'm my own worst enemy And I think and talk myself down all too often. And worrying what others think is a big problem too. I feel like everything I start I run in to the same problem so I give up and run away. I want to work, I want to be a good person, I want to not care what others think of me. I've a week off now so have some time to get myself together. Thanks Tempest x

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  6. Dear Ruby; I just wanted to tell you that you're in my prayers. Encouraging strength-hug from me to wonderful you.

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Thank you for leaving some love x