Taking the rough with the smooth....

Life is full of ups and downs 

And the only real constant is change

As you know

I go horse riding on a Wednesday 

And for the last couple of weeks 

I've been been doing two classes instead of one 

Because the equestrian centre is a full hours drive from my house 

So it makes sense for me to make the trip worthwhile 

Let me tell you in no uncertain terms 

Horse riding is not easy 

The pros make it look effortless

And you could be fooled in to thinking that the horse does all the work 

But in actual fact it is hard work controlling a horse 

Trotting can be exhausting 

As you are using your whole body to rise and fall in rythm with the horse

You need to be pretty fit to ride a horse properly 

There is a reason why I'm always sore the next day 

It's because I am engaging so many different muscle groups while riding 

Anyway 

In my first lesson yesterday 

There was myself, Fintan and another girl called Laura 

Eilish is our instructor 

From the get go 

She was pushing us hard 

For me 

It was getting my posture correct 

And for Fintan 

It was his legs 

Fintan has a condition that wastes his muscles 

And he is finding riding tough going at the moment 

Fintan has become a really good friend over the last few months 

We talk every day in the phone 

We travel to riding together 

And we generally get along very well

But back to the point of this post 

After a warm up 

And a few rounds of trotting 

It was time for cantering 

For the last couple of weeks 

I have been stressing about my canter 

As it doesn't always happen for me

And I don't know why 

So 

I was first up

I trotted Star on and we got to the corner 

Eilish was shouting at me to 'Sit in!!'

And I was trying my best 

But it didn't happen 

She had me circle and go back around to try again 

But 

The same thing happened 

I was beginning to get frustrated at this point 

But Eilish had me go round again

And this time she gave me a whip

I trotted on 

Trying to get a steady pace 

So Star could easily transition in to a canter 

At the corner 

I gave him a tap of the whip as I sat in 

And straight away 

He went into a canter 

He really is a tidy little mover when he wants to be 

I got such a buzz off cantering around the arena 

As I reached the back of the arena 

I heard Eilish shout something at me 

I thought she said go around again 

But she had actually been telling me to circle 

I didn't hear in time though

And went around the arena again 

It feels amazing when the canter comes together

But it is beyond frustrating when it doesn't work out 

And more often than not 

I can't tell why it hasn't worked

Eilish really pushed me though 

And it can be hard to take 

After the first lesson

She asked me if I thought she was being too hard on is 

I said I didn't 

And I don't 

As a lot of the time I do better when pushed 

But sometimes 

Communication is an issue 

And something's get lost in translation

But I am so hard on myself anyway 

So having someone else be hard on me too can be a bit of a downer 

So the first lesson finished

And myself and Fintan got a cuppa 

And had a meeting about the lesson 

The general consensus was that it's a real bummer when the riding doesn't happen for us

But 

It's like anything 

Some days it happens 

And other days it doesn't 

And it could be down to any number of things 

The horse 

Fatigue

Or a combination of both 

That's just the way it is 

You hAve to take the rough with the smooth 

As I said earlier 

I am very hard on myself 

And am probably a bit of a perfectionist 

I want to be the very best that I can be 

I was to grow 

And improve 

And thrive 

I love horse riding 

But I also love to be good at it 

Fintan tells me that he is happy to walk and trot and do a bit of dressage 

But I'm not 

I want more 

I want to go as far as I can with this 

Where that is?

I have no clue 

But I am excited to find out 

To explore my potential 

I put a huge amount of effort in to horse riding 

It takes me over an hour to drive there

And in every lesson 

I give it my all 

Because I love it 

Because I want to be the best horse rider that I can be  

I guess that is my personality 

And when I was ill

I used these traits in a self destructive way

I used my stubbornness

Determination 

And perfectionistic streak to maintain an addiction 

And also to lose weight 

I am the type of person that when I want something 

I will get it come hell or high water 

In my addiction 

It was like playing a game of cat and mouse 

Trying to stay one step ahead of withdrawals 

And I was always playing catch up

I was constantly trying to come up with money to feed my habit 

And it is truly amazing the ways and means that I went to to score my drug

The lengths I went to were truly incredible 

So now I guess I am putting these traits and skills in to healthier pursuits 

Like horse riding 

Like my job

I swear 

If I put half the energy in to improving life as I did in to my addiction 

Then I am doing well

That is for sure 

In other news 

I haven't heard back from the course I applied for 

I really hope to hear something before the weekend 

I just want to know if I have a place or not 

As I hate hanging around just waiting 

But if it doesn't work out 

Then I will find something else 

I trust that I will be guided in to the right path

And that I am exactly where I am supposed to be

As someone once said 

When one door closes 

A window opens 

I just hope my next window leads me to a happy place 

I just want to do something to learn 

To be happy 

Content 

To work in an area I love 

To be a good person 

That's all I want

So that brings me to the end of another post 

Thank you for staying with me 

I know the changes in my life and my blog are difficult to adjust to 

But I appreciate you sticking by me 

Thank you 

From the bottom of my heart...