Tuesday 17 May 2016

Body Image

Even though things are going well for me at the moment 
There is still one thing that I struggle massively with
Yes
You've guessed it
The dreaded body image
Historically 
I've always been on the slim side
As a child and teenager
I was very active 
I swam in a competitive level
I also studied dance
So I could basically eat what I wanted
And maintain a trim figure
The only time I've ever gained a significant amount of weight
Was when I was first prescribed olanzapine 
And even then 
I wasn't over weight
I just had more weight on my bones
And of course 
Throughout my addiction and ED
My weight fluctuated wildly 
Up until my ED started
I had never given my weight much thought 
I ate well and exercised 
And was in general pretty healthy 
My size and shape was not something I gave much thought to 
I didn't notice it
I wasn't aware of it
They say ignorance is bliss
And it most definitely was in this case
It was only when my ED developed 
That I became aware of my body 
And how much space I took up
I set about making myself smaller
Because smaller and thinner is good right?
Wrong 
As I have since learned 
Size and shape have precious little to do with happiness or contentment 
I do accept that I see a dirhmdtiuyd I acknowledge that I might not see an accurate version of myself 
But I do believe that I am quite big at the moment 
I have no idea what I weigh 
As I haven't been weighing myself recently 
So in my head 
I am twenty stone 
In reality 
It shouldn't matter what I weigh 
But it is important to me that I maintain my weight at a healthy point
I don't feel good if I am too thin or too heavy
I just want to be healthy and happy
I want to be able to wake up in the morning 
And not have a panic attack about what to wear 
I want to be able to look in the mirror
And not want to cry 
I just feel so big and cumbersome at the moment 
My legs 
My hips 
My tummy 
It all feels like too much 
And it's a horrible feeling 

I guess physical recovery happens at first 
You re-gain the weight 
And that's hard to deal with
Psychologically
It takes much longer to recover
And I am still in very early days 
I'm hoping that my distorted body image will right itself 
I hope that I can grow to love or even just like my body
Because it allows me to do some amazing things 
And it's getting stronger and stronger all the time 
But the main thing is that I am healthy
And happy 
And I feel good in myself 
I think I will always struggle with accepting my body 
Buy that's not just an ED thing 
It's a woman thing 
It's a human thing 
I see all these celebrities on TV 
Who have had work done 
Even young people who really don't need anything done at all 
People are striving for beauty and perfection on the outside 
When the real truth is that beauty comes from within 
It's a cliche 
But it's true 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you 
How is your body image?
Do you hate/love/like/loath your body?
What do you do to help your image of yourself?
Do you think it's possible to love yourself and your body after an ED?
Answers on a postcard please.....

11 comments:

  1. You're going to have to throw out restrictive and snall clothing.

    Sometimes recovery can mean getting quite a bit bigger.

    I'm long past all that and honestly, i am bigger than ever.

    But the funny thing is, i FEEL smaller than ever.

    I've come to see "feeling fat" just meant FEELING UNHAPPY.

    Start chanelling your energies and gifts. You'll forget about it soon enough.

    HTH

    Shelby

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  2. Also being too thin made me look "wrong" to outsiders. Like, i obviously looked a bit mental.

    I definitely made more friends and met handsome functioning men just looking "normal".

    Who knows if its the nutrition, the extra curves, the better functioning brain, the fact that i could be involved and think about things other than food, I don't know.

    But honestly life was 200% better.

    It's funny because i always thought if I LOWERED the bar life would click into place. Little did i know i had to throw out the bar. Wished I'd done it sooner.

    Shel

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  3. I do think part of recovery is finally not being so consumed with one's image and honestly barely giving it a second thought. My situation is a bit different from yours, but now that I'm considering myself "healed," I barely think about my weight. I've gained, I'm the heaviest in my adult life... but I am so much better at refocusing myself on things that actually matter (i.e. not my weight) than I have been in years and years. It's really nice to be able to use that time and energy for something else!

    Now I just want to shift my focus to being active and healthy and a good partner. One of the things that sucks about many mental illnesses is that you're torn between symptoms having no self-worth and being totally self-centered. Recovery actually allows you to be open to the world and to other people... and that's so much more fulfilling and fun! You've already begun to experience it, so I'm guessing you'll agree.

    Lots of love - S

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  4. I sometimes think that as soon as thing are starting to improve for you, your old ED voices creep back - ready to ruin it all and at least in the recent past they still seemed powerful enough to make you stumble for a while. Please be aware of that! please try to focus on other things. The two comments above make a lot of sense, also.
    I am trying to see it that way: struggling with body image equals being miserable,, lead to starving, purging (hospital in your case??) Keep busy and simply try to ignore it. It is really the best we can do. Accept it, move on. You are too fragile still. Go horse riding, look forward to your job, see how far you 've come.
    Giving in to these thoughts does not mean you are dealing with a problem. Instead this is ED in half disguise wanting you back! so DO NOT LISTEN!
    xx

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  5. The mental trap of believing that you're "quite big" is a lie the ED is feeding to you to try and win you back. Getting past that takes time and hard work, but you'll get there. You got there once before, the last time you weren't weighing. The ED will try and anything and everything to convince you that you're "too big," that you need to weigh yourself, that you need to lose a few pounds. It is all lies and nonsense. It's an open wound in your brain and it needs time to heal.

    Separating the feeling of "fat" from the feeling of "unhappy" is a huge challenge. The ED re-wired a part of our brain that we shouldn't even be able to re-wire.

    In the initial stages of my recovery when I was gaining weight, my chest became my security blanket. I wasn't weighing (officially 5 years scale free as of this January!), but my boobs kept getting bigger. Hips and everything else too, but I stopped caring because holy crap I had a FIGURE.

    Best advice I can give: when your brain starts up the "too fat" rubbish, FORCE yourself to think of something else completely unrelated to food or weight or looks. Start singing Disney songs in your head. See how far you get mentally going through the Fibonacci sequence. Make up a story about a girl named Ruby and her unicorn, Star. Eventually, you won't have to try and do these things to distract yourself--the nasty thoughts will stop.

    xoxo!!

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  6. I think I eventually stopped caring because I realised how little anybody else cares - and actually, the people who matter generally prefer the fuller figure. But nobody really cares. There are a lot of other things to worry about, and sometimes it would be comforting if they would all go away if I could worry about my body, but I can't. In real life, it's not my body that is the problem, it is what I do and fail to do, not what I weigh, that matters. X

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  7. imaybe you could choose a weight and try to stay there healthily i know that sounds trite but fixing a goal weight, weighing and keeping a food diary helped me so much gave me freedom and control otherwise panic set in and i always went back. think most people who keep healthy prob do this without thinking good luck whatever you decide, carley.

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  8. You are perfect no matter what. Don't listen to ED. You're better than that. Hugs xoxox

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  9. Celebrities livlihood depends on their appearance.

    They may have a fine sense if self concept - but they know they have to have surgery to stay in the game until they retire.

    It's obviously a money decision.

    Ordinary people have to make a living and nurture their gifts not just focus on the outside othwrwise they're wasting their time/spinning their wheels.

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  10. I love it when you ask questions at the end of your blog. :) I read this on my break at work and didn't have time to comment right away....and have been thinking about it a lot. I relate soooo much!! I think you're right when you say that it's not just an ED thing, it's a woman thing, a human thing.

    As I get older, I'm starting to care less and less about what my body looks like, despite my ED. Lately, I've found a lot of success in reminding myself of what I'm capable. My body allows me to experience the things that I love about the world around me. Riding my bike. Feeling the wind, the rain, the sunshine on my skin. The happy things happening in my brain, both physically and emotionally when I ride my bike.

    I absolutely think that it's possible to make peace with, or even love your body after an ED. Have I experienced that yet? Nope! Eventually I hope I will.

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Thank you for leaving some love x