Thursday 19 November 2015

The working world

An anonymous reader left a comment on yesterday's post
Asking about the fact that I don't work
And pointing out that I have it easy
I replied to the comment in my replies yesterday
But I also felt a need to write a post addressing this issue
As I'm sure there are others who wonder about my situation 
I'm not annoyed or upset by this question
And I have absolutely no problem in replying 

To the outside world
It may look like I have it easy 
And I guess in some ways I do 
I live with my Mum
And I live here not only because I can't afford to move out on my own
I live here because I like living with my Mum
To all intents and purposes 
It feels like we are house sharing
Rather than living with a parent
I contribute to rent and bills
As well as paying my own car and phone bills 
I do my share of the house work 
And we take it in turns to cook
It would make no sense for me to move out now 
And try to maintain the running of a house/flat on my own
And more than all of that 
I am happy here 

I kind of feel like I am defending myself here
And that's not why I wanted to write this post 
I may look like I am having a great ol' time not working and living off the state
It hasn't always been this way
Up until my ED developed 
And even during my ED
I worked 
I always worked 
A few years ago I was put on disability allowance
And have been on it since
My last job was teaching dance to kids 
I taught 4 classes a week
But over night 
I lost my confidence
And never went back

Confidence poses a huge obstacle for me as regards work 
I just don't have the confidence that I can do a job
And do it well
My self esteem has taken a battering over the years 
It's been shattered 
And I'm only now beginning to put it back together 
I also don't want to secure a job until I am sure that I can maintain it 
I did apply for part time positions during the summer 
But nothing came of those 
I really want to feel capable of holding down a job before I start working
I have a long history of starting things and not finishing them
And that really knocks your confidence 
I want to be in the best frame of mind possible 
And I'm just not there yet

Which brings me to my next point
I don't know guys 
I don't even think I can truthfully say that I am in recovery any more 
My head is all over the place
Purging has increased in the last couple of weeks 
My weight continues to drop 
And I am generally acting like a very eating disordered person
To be honest 
I feel like I have one foot in recovery
And one foot in my illness
Committing to neither
Trying to have my cake and eat it too
I'm caught up in the honey moon phase of losing weight
And even though I know how this story ends 
I can't seem to stop
Logically and rationally 
I know what I am doing is wrong
It's the behaviour of someone who really should know better

It's scary 
The years are flying by
One year blends in to the next
And nothing changes
Yes over the last year I have been dabbling in recovery 
But did I ever really fully commit?
That's up for debate 
I know I need to man up
And choose a path 
One way or the other 
I can't have both
One always bleeds in to another 
And I'm left in this kind of limbo
A no mans land 
Neither here nor there 
That's not where I want to be 

I want to get well 
I do 
But I have to admit 
The safety of my ED appeals to me 
In that it's all I have to worry about 
Even though it's a living hell
I don't have to deal with life on life's terms 
I have often said that death doesn't scare me
Life scares me a hell of a lot more
Thus far
I haven't been able to handle life without the use of a substance 
Or a behaviour 
The truth is 
That I've not lived in reality for a long time
And now I'm wondering if I can't handle it at all 
I find living in reality hard
I don't know 
Maybe everyone feels like this 
And they just don't say it 
Maybe people just get on with things
And maybe that's what I should do too 
I don't know

So yes 
I know I am blessed in a lot of ways 
I have a strong family around me
And if anything bad ever happens 
They are there to help me put back the pieces together 
But please 
Don't think I have it easy
I fight a battle every day
To stay clean and sober 
To not inject myself with mind and body numbing drugs 
Sometimes I see or hear or smell something that reminds me of heroin
And literally have to stop my self from jumping in to my car and heading to get drugs 
A craving is a powerful thing 
And I get them all the time
Be it heroin 
Or alcohol
Or cigarettes
I fight to not lose the plot completely where food is concerned 
As I wrote recently 
My black and white behaviours means I eat all the food 
Or none of the food
I fight not to binge
And not to purge 
It doesn't always work 
But I keep trying 
Some days I wake up with a sense of impending doom
And I don't want to get up and face the day
Some days just getting out of bed is a triumph
Some days eating my lunch and keeping it down is a victory 
And sometimes just leaving my house to walk my dogs is success 
It's all relative
It's easy to look at someone else's life and think that the grass is greener
But I wouldn't wish the issues I deal with on anyone

I hope this explains my situation a bit better
And I'm happy to answer any other questions that you have 
You know the saying don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes?
I think that applies here...

26 comments:

  1. I had to read this comment a few times Shelby
    The first time I read it
    I thought you were attacking me
    But after taking some time to think about it
    It's probably more frustration than anger
    And I can understand that
    Things were going so well
    I was on the brink of really getting somewhere
    And I go and fuck it up
    Again
    I don't know
    It sounds so easy
    Just do it!
    But
    I let the ED take over
    Cause it's familiar
    Comfortable
    I don't know
    My head is all over the place... X

    ReplyDelete
  2. People still work and have various illnesses. You are making excuses. You must get significant sickness benefit to be able to pay rent, bills, a car (which you can't legally drive), fatface clothes and all the food! Man up, grow up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you see Ireland from up there on your high horse? Because if you could, you'd know the job market is a f**king mess.

      Delete
    2. Thank you Mich
      Couldn't have said it better myself
      You are awesome! X

      Delete
  3. I think you can still be in recovery. You've hit a rut. It happens with everything in life. I lost count of the number of times I fell off the recovery wagon and got run over by it before something finally clicked and I managed to get it together. You went really far in a really short time and then things sort of slowed down--that can be a shock to the system and feel like failure, but it isn't.

    As for the job situation, at the moment you don't have to work. Use that to your advantage. Knuckle down and force yourself to go for every volunteer job you can find. Go hang out in the library and learn something new. Force yourself to keep going out and trying new things and eventually you won't have to force yourself because you'll actually want to go out and do those things. When you're ready, maybe look for a part time job that doesn't have much commitment involved. Like retail--I've done that part time to make some extra money on the side and never really cared how well I did or whether or not I'd get fired for not doing my best because I knew I didn't really need that job. Knowing that it's ok if you lose the job takes a lot of the pressure off, and right now for you, it would be ok if you lost a part time gig.

    Just don't give up. You've come too far for that. YOU SIMPLY WALK INTO MORDOR.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Mich
      I appreciate your understanding and empathy
      I think you have a point about my recovery
      I dived in head first
      And just went for it
      Now I've hit a wall
      And it's tough to keep going
      This morning I was close to deleting my blog
      As I felt I could do no right
      There positives to writing this blog
      But negatives too
      And I need to weigh up which wins in the long run
      Some people seem to just want to tear me down
      And I don't think that's right

      As ever Mich
      Thank you for your continued support x

      Delete
  4. Shit Ruby sweetheart, you know I thought about blogging, and you know how stuck I am with my addiction and my f'n high-profile family throwing therapies and sanatoriums and what not at me, UNDER THE CONDITION...blah.
    Yes, I, too, do not have to work (hey anons I am a 23 year old methadone substituted girl who never worked for pay in her life!!!) Jesus, some people were born in f'n Syria, we are ALL well off here!and there is always someone who has it easier than the other but that does not mean it is easy for the individual!

    BUT. i feel this blog is not doing YOU any good, Ruby. I love to read what you write, but you let people who comment influence you so much! this is your life, and I feel that not only the nice regular commenters but also these comments by total STRANGERS have such a big effect on you!!! Ruby, this is not right! this does not do you any good! YOU know what you really want, don't you? deep down you know? and confidence comes from doing things. But you cannot depend your life on people you do not even know!
    Anyway, what I wanted to say was I was tempted to blog, but now I do not think I ever will. I am prone to addiction and on top of all that mess that my life is, I do not need to be dependent on total strangers who are sometimes not even well-meaning. Big hug and sorry about my English I am not a native speaker, so do not attack me for that anon! Much love to you Ruby! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a chat with some family members today Josefine
      As they could see I was upset by the negative comments here
      I even almost deleted my blog
      My family said the same thing that you did
      That these are total strangers
      Mostly anonymous
      And they shouldn't have such a hold over me
      I've been attacked because I don't work
      Hell my life has been a rollercoaster
      And at least I am not sticking needles in to my neck
      I have come to the conclusion that I am doing ok
      And I don't need anyone else to spell out my life for me

      This is the thing about blogging
      Yes there are positives
      But there are also negatives
      And I guess we have to weigh that
      But I'm not going to let a few rogue commenters ruin the one thing that I love to do
      Write
      Thanks for this Hun x

      Delete
  5. if you do not try anything or do anything you will never be confident

    ReplyDelete
  6. just catching up last couple days, these sort comments nearly always anon i think? why is that? i would seriously consider blocking anon although i wouldn't know how to comment another way so maybe others too! you don't need all this stuff on top of everything else and to say you not try is somewhat unfair, you will find your way .sorry to hear you're struggling again. i can totally understand i seem to feel high when it first comes back, control i suppose and blocks out the other stuff. when I'm better I'm bored, and yes anon i work.but after a while the high wears off and dark creeps in again. i worry for you sweetheart, i worry for us both but please don't even bother with these comments you know in your heart you are doing what you can xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. jo xx now i am anon !!

      Delete
    2. He he
      You are one anon that I like to see Jo
      I know a lot of people disable anon comments
      But I have quite a few readers who leave comments under anon
      So don't really want to do that
      As well as that
      I don't want to give in to them
      You know?

      Anyway
      I appreciate your continued support Jo
      Thank you x

      Delete
  7. Recovery isn't a smooth sailing, otherwise it would be called "finished," not recovering. There will be snags, but as you say, you have a family surrounding you and gods, do I believe in you, my dearest Ruby!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Hun
      Love to you
      Hope you are ok after a tough week? X

      Delete
  8. Hi Ruby,

    I sit somewhere on the fence with this one. You already know my thoughts on not working from my comment and your subsequent post in August, but, for what it's worth, I'll comment again.

    I can view this from both sides. Firstly, I know what it is to be cripplingly unwell and how difficult even the mere thought of working can be. But at the same time, I kind of sit with Anon in that throughout the entirety of my being unwell I have had no other choice but to work. Yes, my recovery took longer, and the stress of *having* to work was something I could have done without, but I did it, became financially dependant on myself and I came out the other side. Therefore, I know how hard is it, so I agree with you, but I also know that it is possible, so I agree with Anon. I do get a tad frustrated, like a lot of people in this country, at people who claim benefits unnecessarily (I'm not saying you do, I'm just saying), and I think it's this frustration which Anon might be trying to vent. It's hard, seeing people with frequent trips to Fat Face etc., for someone who is that way inclined, to not think "Well, if x can go shopping then x can work". We've all seen this on TV, produced by Channel 5 and the like :/, and it's hard to not pass judgement. So, maybe this is what Anon means? I don't know, I really am just trying to see it from both sides.

    I think that whilst you're in a position where you don't have to work, you should make the most of getting well, to enable you to be in a better place and start looking for work eventually. You have Brenda, you have Mary, you have a wonderfully understanding doctor, you get methadone and all your other meds free of charge(?), and you don't have to think about how your next pay cheque is going to pay the bills. I am not for one moment saying 'You have all these things, why aren't you well?" as I know full well that this is a) unhelpful, and b) not logical in the slightest, but what I am saying is that you need to make the most of all that you have whilst you have it. Build a platform on what you have and form the foundations for the rest of your life. If confidence is an issue with you, then work on it with Brenda and Mary. If qualifications are the problem, then work on them. There is no point waiting until you're ready, or you'll be waiting forever and life will have passed you by.

    Louisa xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know I need to use my supports now
      I am in a bit of a rut
      Abs things have taken a turn for worse recently
      You make a lot of good points though
      It's good for thought
      My knee jerk reaction was to delete my blog and disappear
      But I won't
      I love this blog and the people here
      I don't want to leave
      And I won't let anonymous comments get me down

      Thanks Louisa
      Hope you are well x

      Delete
  9. The way I see it....you HAVE been working. You just don't have a traditional job. :) Writing is your occupation. You put a lot of effort into this blog.

    I suppose I don't see the fuss. I've always been the type of person to allow others to live the way they can, if that even makes sense. If you don't need to work, or even if you don't want to.....that's okay! It's your choice.

    I'm sad to see you go, and even though I don't know you all too well.....I'll agree with your friends that are saying it could be good for you to step away from blogging for awhile. I hate to see you hurting over comments, but I really admire your heart.....the fact that you are willing to listen to what people have to say, and you consider what they have to say and don't just immediately dismiss them. I think that's a beautiful quality, though I can see how it could be hurting you right now.

    I hope that you'll keep writing, even if you aren't blogging. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. I did make that point too SW
    There is a lot of writing I do for this blog
    For other blogs
    And various other opportunities that have come from it

    I don't think I will leave
    Maybe take a break though x

    ReplyDelete
  11. I can completely understand where your coming from.
    I am in a very different situation to you, but I do understand how having no confidence stops you from pursuing anything, and it's something that takes time to work on.
    You shouldn't have to defend yourself to other people you do what's best for you.
    I think you seem like a great person and would do so well at many jobs.
    I didn't know you danced teaching dance sounds so fun!
    Hope you get to where you want to be.
    Take care xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks LL
      I appreciate your comment and kind words x

      Delete
  12. You know, I've had a job ever since I was 15. I rarely went without and I've taken on more than I can handle in my graduate program and what I have found is that yes, people do work with significant illness and we champion those stories but I'm also a believer that one shouldn't be in a work situation necessarily while ill. Mental health can affect the how you work with people and portray yourself and while it can help your confidence I've also been in situations where it hinders. I don't know your life besides what I read and being a more conservative Republican turning libertarian in my political beliefs I'm not always a fan of people living off the state either but you know what? That's not for me to bully you about like that anonymous douche bag for the fact that I really don't know your life. Also, I would like to point out in Asian and Native American cultures families live similar to how you do. Usually older moving in with younger hut there's no shame in having a closeness with your family. My grandparents offered to let me move in to the house they rent next door to my mom rent free and I was thinking I would be moving in with her. I'll be 25. Life is hard man. Especially during vulnerable health moments and grad school. :) walk in your shoes and fuck the assholes. Pardon my language. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Eve
      You are always the voice of reason
      I know things won't always be like this
      I will work again
      I have no doubt about that

      You are a star x

      Delete
  13. I thought of something today....

    I can completely relate to the lack of confidence ordeal with a job. It's actually the reason I don't leave the job I have right now. I could probably be making more money, working in a safer, more emotionally stable environment.....but the challenge is leaving. This job is safe for me because I'm overqualified, and my husband also works there. My ED and alcoholism regularly interfere with my job performance, and yet I still keep getting raises/promotions. To be honest, I don't care that much about this job....and I'm shocked that they keep me around. Most other places would have fired me by now. Why do I stay? It's safe. All that to say.....one could argue that despite having a job, I'm being an unproductive member of society.....I'm taking away from other people who would LOVE to have my job and probably need it more than I do, and I'm not living up to my potential.

    The way I see it....you ARE living up to your potential with the writing that you do. You might not intend for this, but your blog is encouraging and helpful to others who struggle. It's probably also helpful for family members who desperately want to understand their loved ones who struggle with ED's or addiction.

    I realize we are strangers, but my heart has been heavy for you today. I hope that you see how very valuable you are as a person, existing exactly as you are now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I admire the fact you can hold down a job
      In spite of what you are dealing with
      And you must be good at your job if they keep you and give you raises

      And yes
      I do treat my blog like a job
      It's a hobby first
      But I always write at the same time every day
      In the same place
      It's one thing I am disciplined about
      So it is work in a sense

      Thank you SW
      I appreciate your words x

      Delete
  14. Screaming Willow hit the nail on the head. This blog: it's your job. You reach out and put yourself out there and you help so many in what you write. You aren't getting paid money to do it, but that doesn't make it any less important. In fact, some of the most important work any of us can do on this earth is not done for money, and conversely, some of the stupidest and most meaningless work anyone on this earth does is very highly paid work.

    I agree with what's been said...it would be good for you to expand your horizons and get out there and volunteer, volunteer, volunteer. It will get you out of your own head, and help you to feel great about yourself.

    Keep blogging and F the haters.

    -Small

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x