Thursday 20 August 2015

Glutton for punishment

A few days ago
I wrote about having a huge urge to weigh myself 
And then having a few awful body image days
Prompted me to go ahead and do it
I had put my scales away 
In the back of my wardrobe
I pulled them out
Dusted them off
And placed them on the wooden floor beside my bed
Usually I feel super anxious and nervous before I weigh
And get butterflies in my tummy
Yesterday however
I felt nothing 
I stripped 
I tapped the scale
And the numbers flicked to zero
I tentatively stepped on
I had absolutely no idea of my weight
As I hadn't weighed in weeks
The screen flashed 
And settled on a number
A number higher than I am comfortable with
And one I have seen since this time last year

I stepped off the scale 
Dressed 
And tried to process the information
Usually 
I have a viceral reaction to weighing
Relief if it's a safe number
And sheer devastation of it's a high number
There have been times when I've had a full blown meltdown after weighing
And sat on my bedroom floor
Naked
And sobbing
But you know what?
Today I felt nothing
The number meant nothing 
I felt neither relief or devastation
I just acknowledged the number 
Didn't let it get to me
And moved on

As you know 
I was an obsessive weighed when I was very unwell
I weighed my self worth in pounds and ounces
I can honestly say 
That this is the first time I have weighed myself
And not had a dramatic reaction
And that my friends
Is nothing short of a miracle 

This is progress I think
Seeing that the number is just a number
Nothing more
Nothing less 
It's just a number 
It is so freeing to finally not feel tied to the scale 
I know that I am not over or under weight
So I am ok with my weight
Not thrilled
But not in despair either
It just is what it is 

My body image has improved today too
Which is strange
You would think after weighing
That I would be all over the place
But surprisingly 
I am dealing with it rather well
Of course 
I am still adjusting to the weight re-gain
Some days I feel like I should roll instead of walk
I go between  absolutely hating my body
To somewhere approaching something 
Like looking like ok

But 
As ever 
I will keep ploughing on
I will try to stay as well I can 
I will try to accept and love my body as best as I can 
I will continue to be a pessimistic optimist 
As ever 
I will fight for a better life
For sanity 
For peace of mind 
For my family 
For my own mental health
I  am much more than a number
A clothes size 
I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes 
And is most certainly in the eye of the beholder 
I do t want to go back to being sick
It's only now that I am feeling better
That I realise how ill I truly was
I  on the way to getting better
Everyday I get a little stronger
And you know what?
I wouldn't trade it for anything 

8 comments:

  1. I read the title and the first few words. I knew exactly where it was headed or so I thought. My heart lurched for you. But to read this I am overcome with happiness for you! This a real revelation ruby. This is a true sign of recovery! Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so Hun
      I truly hope so x

      Delete
    2. I feel confident it'd be a good indicator for my own journey x

      Delete
  2. We all end up old anyway. Might as well try and be useful more than decorative. Xxx shelby

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's an awesome revelation, and a really beautiful read. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I sawr this & was like '¡Oh no!' & was all scared for you, cringing inwardly… : S

    but me of little Faith, :( I shoulda knon;

    Rubly prevails as usual !! :D

    <3<3 Jils

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x