From bad to worse

Things with my sister have gone from bad to worse

We made up after out fight last week

But things erupted again last night

This time with my poor mother in the middle of it all

We had a short but nasty row

It escalated so quickly

And now there is a sour atmosphere in the house

I spoke to my mum this morning

And she seems to think my sister has such a short fuse at the moment

Because she is coming off her meds 

I think I mentioned before

That my sister has suffered with depression in recent years

And is on an anti depressant 

Recently she had started to come of it

And she has been like a bull dog chewing a wasp for the past couple of weeks 

Of course I am not entirely innocent either

We know each other well

And know exactly how to push each other's buttons

I know how to wind get up

What will drive her mad

It escalated so quickly

One minute we were fine

The next

World war 3 was breaking out

My mother called us both in to the kitchen

And tried to broker some sort of peace

But neither myself or my sister were willing to back down

Stubborn as we are

Mum made the point that we all have to live together

We all have to find a way to get on

This is true

And mum is retiring in a couple of weeks 

So there will be three of us in the house from then on

It's rally not fair to have mum in the middle of this 

And I hate that it's effecting her so much 

They say you should never go to bed on an argument

Well we did last night 

And woke up this morning feeling almost hungover

With a heaviness in my head

I went to the doctor  first thing

It was Nice Woman Doctor again

She asks how I am 

I hesitate 

And she asks what that is about

I tell her that I am thinking of moving out on my own 

Which I am

It's always been in the back of my mind 

And these rows have just kind of made it more urgent

I can't say too much to the doctor

As she is also my sisters doctor

We talked for a little while

She told me to weigh up the pros and cons 

Which I will do

But yes 

I am seriously thinking of moving out

It's not just the tension with my sister

Now that I am feeling a lot better

I have a huge urge to be independent 

To do my own thing

To have my own little corner of the world 

The more I think about it

The more I think it's a good idea

I spoke to my mother about it this morning

She advised me not to make a decision out of anger 

And not to rush out in haste

I know what she is saying 

And I won't rush in to anything

I guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options are

Obviously I am on disability benefit

And won't be able to privately rent 

So I will have to find out what I am entitled to

In the line of rent allowance and such

I just can't live like this

It's not healthy for any of us 

And I'm sure my sister is just as fed up as I am

I know that I am no angel 

I give as good as I get

And I do acknowledge that my sister is coming off her meds

And is probably not herself these days 

But I can't live like this 

With this horrible atmosphere lingering

At the moment

No one is happy

Not me

Not my sister 

Definitely not my mother

Who is caught in the cross fire

This week the plan is to stay out of my sisters way

Get to a lot of meetings

Talki things over with Breda and Mary 

I'm interested to see what they think about the situation

Meet my friends 

Marie rents with rent allowance

So I will pick her brains about how to go about applying for that

I will also inquire about what my options are

There are so many empty houses around here

Do it won't be hard to find a place

It really boils down to how I will manage financially 

At the moment 

I have few bills

No rent to pay

I contribute a certain amount every week to shopping and bills

I pay my own car tax, insurance and my phone bill

If I move in to my own place

I will have considerably more out goings 

Money will be a lot tighter 

So I guess I have to weigh up which is more important

To live here in the tension

And have more disposable income

Or move out and have that independence but less money

At the moment 

The latter seems more appealing to me

They say you can't pick your family

And it's so true

My sister is home nearly a year now

And although we've had the odd fight in that time

Things have deteriorated a lot in the past couple of weeks

Usually we get on like a house on fire

But that fire can turn nasty very easily 

And now it is suffocating us both

So the option of moving out seems really attractive right now

 

When I was very ill

Moving out just wasn't an option

I needed the support of my family 

I wouldn't have been able to manage on my own

There was always someone here with me

But now that I am feeling physically and mentally better

I crave independence so so much

Don't get me wrong 

I love living with my mum

I love this house 

And I know it's company for mum too

I've always felt very at home here 

It's given me the time and space to recover

I've been living here ten years now

And although I've loved it

I just have the feeling that it's time to move on

To spread my wings a bit more

And find my own little place

Here 

Even though I feel very comfortable 

I'm living in someone else's house

Under their rules

I want to make my own rules

I want to do things my way

Take responsibility of my own life

Of course Honey and Lea would come with me

And I do acknowledge that it would be a huge change for them too

They know no other way other than living here

And they are so comfortable here

So at home

They place I move to would have to be animal friendly 

There's just no way on this earth that I would move without them 

But

As I said 

I won't make any rash decisions

I will investigate my options

Put the feelers out 

And go from there

I must admit though 

It's really exciting to think of having my own place

The other thing is that I have to be able to trust myself

Living on my own

It would be do easy to use 

To drink

To starve

To binge and purge

I need to be sure that I can manage those things

And to be completely honesty

I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself 

Do that's where I'm at today

I would love to get your thoughts on the situation

Do you think I am being rash?

Do you think insipid wait?

What do you think I should do about the situation with my sister?

I'd live to know......