Day 1

So today was my first meeting

Of the 90 in 90 days that I am doing

Well

Kind of

I woke early 

Collected my meds

Went for a walk with my Mum and dogs

Did the food shopping

And texted my friend Marie to see if she was still up for going to the meeting

She was

And I arranged to meet her at her house at 11 30am

I got home 

Had a quick cuppa 

And headed out

I deliberately kept busy in the morning

So I wouldn't have time to talk myself out of not going

I really wanted to go

And to say that is huge

That I actually want to go to a meeting 

For me

Not because I think it's what I should go

Not to appease my family

Not to meet other addicts

But for me

For my recovery

For my sanity

For my peace of mind

For my own crazy head

I arrived at Marie's on time

The meeting was about half an hour away

And we picked up another girl on the way

This was a bit of a big deal for me too

As meeting someone new is not something I do a lot of

But we had a great chat in the car on the way

And arrived just before 12 30pm

The time we thought the meetibg started

Just then we saw a member coming out of a shop

We rolled down the window and asked her what time the meeting was at

She said it was already over

That it had in fact started at 11am

This was pretty unusual

As meetings during the day usually start at 1pm

However it was over 

There was nothing we could do about it

We met up with another member

And decided to go for coffee

In the end

We had a lovely time 

Almost like our own little meeting

I wasn't going to count today as day 1

But my friends suggested that I do

As my intention was there

And we kind of did have a meeting

So I am going to count it

One down 

89 to go

There were times today 

When I felt really awkward

Like I had nothing worthwhile to say or contribute

Like I was a boring person with nothing interesting to say for myself 

Like I wasn't pretty enough

Thin enough

Good enough

I must make it clear that my friends didn't make me feel this way

Not at all

This all comes from my low self esteem

And non existent confidence 

But even though I had these feelings

I still did it

I left my house 

I tried to get to a meeting

I met new people

I tried my best to be myself

To get on with others

And you know what?

I really enjoyed it

I had a great time

I chatted

I listened 

I spoke a little bit

I was open

I laughed

It felt good to step outside my comfort zone

And do something new

I'm now back home

And I feel like I am on cloud nine

I feel positive

Hopeful

I feel pumped for these 90 days

I feel it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time

I don't doubt that it will be hard 

But then nothing worth doing ever is

I owe it to myself and my family to give this a chance

I really feel like it is the right thing to do

I told Marie what I was planning on doing

She thought it was a great idea

And made the point that even if I don't  get to a meeting every single day

At least I will be on the right path

All it takes is everything I've got

I only have to change one thing

Everything

So tomorrow is Day 2

I am to go to a lunch time meeting locally

And am picking up Marie on the way

I've decided to use Em's suggestion

And mark off the days on a calendar

To keep track of my progress

I feel so excited to do this

So full of hope

I know it's the right thing to do

I can just feel it