Wednesday 2 October 2013

You get out what you put in!

It's funny how things can change in an instant
I don't know quite when it happened but I have gone from being slightly apathetic about treatment to being really quite motivated
At Last! I hear you cry!
All of a sudden I am incredibly angry with my ED
My ED had always been like a friend
Something to turn to in tough times
And of course she manipulates me in to thinking that she wants to help me
That she wants to be there for me
That she has my best interests at heart
That she is the only one that gets me and understands me
She tricked me in to believing that being thin is the only thing that matters
This illness is so sinister
The bottom line is that she wants be dead
She won't be happy until I am so miserable and sick that I either do it myself or let her do it
Not gonna happen anorexia!
I'm not going to be another statistic
Another young life that this illness has claimed
I won't let that happen

My family are getting increasingly frustrated with me
And I understand that
A lot of the time I think that no one notices my behaviours
I was the same in active addiction
I thought no one knew that I was using
But in reality everyone knows
Anyone with a pair of eyes in their head can see what I am doing
My behaviours are still very out of control
The purging is off the scale
I am afraid to tell you how much money I am spending on food
What a waste?
It's all such a terrible waste
A waste of time
A waste of money
A waste of a life

I am preparing myself for a tough road in treatment
If I do it properly and do the right thing it will be really difficult
But I am ready
I'm willing to do the work
Mary always tells me that 'You get out what you put in'
I want to get a lot out so I'm going to put a lot in

I have no idea what my weight is as I have stopped weighing
I'm not letting my scale have that power over me any more
It's held me prisoner for long enough

I'm thinking that when I go in to treatment that I won't bring my laptop
Therefore I won't be blogging
I hope you understand
I just need to focus on myself for a while
But of course if any one wants to stay touch please feel free to email me

I want a better life
For a long time I was content to live this way but I am just so fed up of entertaining anorexia and bulimia
I am so tired of their never ending appetite
Of their never ending demands
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to be able to walk past a shop without being drawn in to buy binge food
I want to stand on my scale and be happy when I see I am a healthy weight
I want my family not to be so very worried about me all the time
I want to leave my house without feeling like a ball of anxiety
I want my friends back
I want to like a boy and get butterflies in my tummy when I see him
I want to be able to manage my money
I want to be able to look in the mirror and say 'Not too shabby'
I want  the constant tape in my head to shut up
I want to write about something other than my ED
I want to think about something other than my ED
I want to travel
I want to be more spontaneous
I want to be happy in my own skin
I want to be able so say 'I used to have an eating disorder'
I want to be able to say 'I am in recovery'
I want to my life back
I want to live
With love from at

37 comments:

  1. JJ2 October 2013 at 07:54

    This makes me happy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kitty2 October 2013 at 08:43

    You can do this :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 09:27

      I think I can Kitty
      For the first time in a long time I think I can x

      Delete
  3. Emily Anonymous2 October 2013 at 09:11

    This is awesome! I'll miss you but I'll be thinking of you abd being inspired by you once you get admitted.
    Will you let us know an address to send things to or something in case we want to send a card?
    You can beat your ED. And you will do amazing in treatment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 09:28

      Yes of course I will give the address to anyone that wants it and I will keep in contact with anyone who wants to too

      Thanks Emily x

      Delete
  4. PrettyLies2 October 2013 at 10:40

    This post makes me happy. This was me a year ago. Still can't say I'm happy in my own skin, but I can say I'm proud of what I'm doing. I understand not blogging while in treatment, it's good to unplug for a while. Your family is on to you, but do they see this motivation too? Maybe they just still see the behaviors and aren't tuning in to this side of you. Take care dear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 12:52

      I hope they can see the motivation
      I am almost afraid to show it as I am worried it will all backfire but all I can do is try and do my best to beat this

      Take care of you too x

      Delete
  5. Eve2 October 2013 at 11:30

    I'm really really happy to read this. it's really hard, as you know, but it's so worth it because life is beautiful. You're beautiful! I have been saying a prayer for you when I read your posts so I'm really happy to see all these amazing changes taking place in your heart. I'll still be praying as you enter treatment. We all love and support you Ruby!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 12:52

      Thanks Eve, it means a lot to know that you and everyone here is behind me
      You girls are the best x

      Delete
  6. Anonymous2 October 2013 at 12:06

    Best post ever! Am right behind you and do email me the address of where you'll be staying cx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 12:53

      Thank you C and yes of course I will email you my address, I'd love to stay in contact x

      Delete
  7. Gel2 October 2013 at 12:49

    This is good to hear.
    It's good to hear YOU and your real self coming through.
    I would like your address to send you something if that is ok.
    Love to you.

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 12:54

      Thank you Gel

      Yes I will be sure to let you know my address
      I'm not sure when I will be going in, hopefully sooner rather than later

      Love to you too x

      Delete
  8. Bella2 October 2013 at 13:14

    This makes me so happy to read. Things can turn around in an instant, as you say, and I'm so happy to read that you want to live, really live life.
    I totally understand why you won't be blogging in treatment. You need to focus on you. I'll definitely be emailing you throughout, and sending you bits of mail.

    So much love to you precious Ruby. I'm keeping you in my thoughts, always <3 xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday2 October 2013 at 14:02

      Thanks Bells

      Yes I definitely want to stay in contact with you even if I'm not blogging
      I've met some amazing people here (including you) and I don't want to lose contact

      Thinking of you too dear Bells, much much love x

      Delete
  9. Launna 2 October 2013 at 14:28

    Ruby, I want you to have your life back too... I will email you from time to time... just to keep in contact to see how you are doing. I am sending out the biggest and most positive vibes for you girl :)

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday3 October 2013 at 13:05

      Yes, definitely stay in touch Launna, I don't want to lose contact with everyone here

      Thanks for the well wishes x

      Delete
  10. Unknown2 October 2013 at 16:34

    dont you ever look back ruby! moment like this are precious! act on this decision for it is SO RIGHT

    Ana just wants another body- DO NOT GIVER HER YOURS

    you can have a life, sending you so much love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday3 October 2013 at 13:06

      Thank you Katie

      Yes, I'm acting now while I still have the motivation, hopefully I won't have to wait long for treatment

      Hope you're doing ok x

      Delete
  11. Anonymous2 October 2013 at 19:59

    So glad to hear that you're making strides toward recovery. Fight for yourself, Ruby. You are worth it. You are strong. You can beat this. We're all behind you. Take all the time you need. Focus on what matters most - you. Your recovery. Your goals. Your dreams. Your life.

    Wishing you all the best xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday3 October 2013 at 13:07

      Thanks Chris, it's good to know that everyone is behind me x

      Delete
  12. Vanessa Higgins3 October 2013 at 06:17

    On the scale of emotions, depression and anger are polar opposites. Depression is passive, hopeless. Anger is full of fight, of drive, of hope. Really spend time in this space of anger and let the fires warm your soul and burn off the lingering questions…can I do this? Am I strong enough? FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tempest3 October 2013 at 12:47

    I can't think of a better reason to miss your thoughtful blogging than knowing you are getting the help you need and deserve. Take care, Ruby. We'll be here when you're ready to come back.

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday3 October 2013 at 13:08

      Awh thank you Tempest, such a lovely thing to say
      And yes, I will be back healthier than ever x

      Delete
  14. V3 October 2013 at 13:32

    This is your time Ruby, you are ready, it will be scary, there will be frightening days, days of doubt and worry but when you come through the rain and see the sunshine you will be happy. I cannot think of anyone who deserves this more. Live your life for you. I'll hold you in my thoughts, darling take care. Xxx

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    Replies
    1. Ruby Tuesday3 October 2013 at 13:48

      Thank you V for your kind words
      It does feel different this time and to be honest I wish I could go to treatment tomorrow, I am that ready
      Realistically though, I can only hope to go in this side of Christmas

      Thanks for your continued support, hope you're doing ok x

      Delete
  15. Alie3 October 2013 at 19:22

    This is such a great attitude! Best of luck to you! You deserve a rich and full life free from the ED. Will keep you in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nana Jover3 October 2013 at 22:13

    beautiful poems dear =) very inspiring =) http://anotsosecretlife2011.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  17. Peridot (G+P)4 October 2013 at 23:02

    It's about time you got shitty with the bitch! *Is yanking your chain*

    Remember that Ed IS like an abusive, manipulative highschooler. It will keep trying to seduce you back so it can fuck you round again.

    I'm going to miss you but I totally understand what you mean. (Z had to leave the BDF board for a year until her recovery was stable enough to re-establish friendships without having her health threatened) YOU do what is best for YOU and I'll take a few months Ruby-less if it means I get to have you around to pester for years to come :)

    Email would be nice. Oooh would you like random postcards? I think I have your postal addy. Can send you penguins and lamb-blams and random landscapes with chuck norris "facts" on them or something. Lol, the postman will think it's some terrorist code or somesuch XD HILARITY!

    Wow, you're brave. I'd settle for being able to tolerate or accept myself 0.0 YES YES YES TO ALL THE REST AND TRAVEL AND COME HERE PLEASE! Ooooh we could find you a nice kiwi boy :D Lots of hotties at the Uni, AND my bro's rugby mates :p

    GO RUBY. YOU RULE. LOVE YOU TO BITS <3

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    Replies
    1. josie134 October 2013 at 23:51

      I agree. You need time to focus on YOU. The internet is awesome when used right, however, it is also a wonderful way to zone out and waste time. There is no time to waste. This is YOUR LIFE and it is time you do get to activly live like you wrote.
      Now might not be the best time to read things on the internet, maybe instead you can open a word document and write your blog post there instead. And one day you could post them or not. But you will have that choice.

      Delete
    2. Ruby Tuesday5 October 2013 at 04:47

      Yes Peri, definitely stay in touch and I would love to get random postcards
      I'd love that so much
      Maybe we could even go old school and write letters?

      Love you too to bits and pieces x

      Delete
    3. Ruby Tuesday5 October 2013 at 04:49

      True Josie, I do need to take time out even though I will miss all you girls so much but I just have to do this
      I will continue to write of course and hope to get back blogging when I come home

      Thanks for your continued support x

      Delete
  18. Ruby Tuesday5 October 2013 at 04:46

    Thank you so much Anna, I will miss you too but I will be back healthier than ever
    I would love to stay in touch though so do email me x

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x

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