Usual rituals
Doctor
Chemist
Walk my dogs
Come home and sleep the day away
It's funny how I get such comfort from ritual and routine
Knowing that things are the same
That this is what happens
Knowing it's predictable
It's less anxiety provoking
It's safe
Little things throw me
Running in to someone in the street
An unexpected knock at the door
Any change to my routine makes me feel anxious and scared
But it's next to impossible to avoid unpredictabilty
Life is unpredictable
Things don't always go the way you planned
Why is that not ok with me?
Today was slightly different as it will be my last Monday morning ritual for a while
If everything goes to plan I will be in treatment by the weekend
My doctor doesn't seen to enthused that I am going in
I suppose he's thinking that we've been here before and nothing changed
He increased my meds as he could see that I was quite anxious
Now I have 8 days meds when I only need 4
I didn't say anything
I wanted the extra meds
Bad Ruby, very bad!
This week there is a lot to do
Getting packed
I probably have way too much stuff but I live 3 hours away for the hospital so I need to prepare for every eventuality
Some motivational reading
An apple a day by Emma Woolf (Virginia Woolf's great grandniece)
And Gaining, The truth about life after eating disorders
Not forgetting Ted
I will have no doggies to cuddle so this is the next best thing
My favourite cup that I bring every time I go in to treatment because a lot of time is spent having a cuppa and a smoke (Anything can be resolved over a cuppa and a smoke
Not forgetting my favourite notebook
I may even take up knitting!
Sorting out my meds
Reading and signing my contracts (Including weight restoration aaaaagghhh!!)
And you can bet your ass I will drinking copious amounts of tea and chain smoking
I'm worried about fitting in with the other patients
I'm worried about being judged
About gaining weight
About not gaining weight and being discharged
So many things
But if I thought too much about these things I would never go
I was wondering about you
Have you been to treatment?
Do you have any words wisdom?
Any advice greatly appreciated
Hi Ruby,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog the other day. I'm an Irish eating disordered gal too. I was in intensive outpatient treatment earlier this year, the first time getting any ED help after living with it for a long time. I'm glad I did it and had the chance too, but I also wish I had the courage to do what you're doing and go back. I need more help, but it's so hard to ask for it. I bet you're doing the right thing and wish you the very best.
I hope you don't mind me telling you this, but I read Emma Woolf's book a few months ago and found it ridiculously triggering. I do read ED books and I'm never quite sure if I'm doing it in a healthy or unhealthy way, but that one I kind of wished I hadn't read. I don't think she's recovered enough to write a recovery book, but that's just my humble opinion, she's probably got it more figured out than I do!
Your dogs are beautiful.
Best wishes,
Cara. x
Don't be in a hurry to leave once you get there.
ReplyDeleteI'm on a waiting list for intensive outpatients which should be starting in a few months... It's for personality disorders rather than EDs, although a lot of people there have eating disorders too (comorbid problems and all that.) I've never had any sort of treatment before and I'm kind of dreading it.
ReplyDeleteI hope that treatment goes well for you and I wish you luck.
xx
Oh sweetie, I am so excited for you, maybe a bit envious as well. I wish my insurance would cover me to go back into treatment. I was in treatment last year. My words of advice is give it a chance, don't worry about fitting in with other patients; you're there for yourself. As much as you'll want to, don't purge; they'll try to discharge you. I pray for the best outcome for you Ruby dear.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I have never been in a treatment center/probably wouldn't ba able to be in one due to health insurance. Also, hospitalization sort of runs in my family (due to bipolar) and I would really rather not add to that list. However, if it's a good center that focuses on positive rehabilitation, then I support you. I know you've gone before, but it's still a process no one really "wants" to go through. But you're strong and you'll make it through. Love you dear.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased and excited for you ruby dear. I hope that things will be different this time and that you do well in there, take each day at a time and think of the long term :) If anyone can do it you can.
ReplyDeleteAll my love x
This is all so exciting to read! I'm about to drop you an email for the postal address.
ReplyDelete"Anything can be resolved over a cuppa and a smoke" Words to live by :)
Love you Ruby dear. You're in my thoughts, always xx
Words of wisdom, huh? Well, me being the solid, totally not fucked up, sage of all things enigmatic, I should have something witty and wise to impart to you. But as you know, today was not a day for intelligible communication. I'm only just about able to see straight enough to type this wee comment out to you. On a more serious note, I think that you should definitely bring a good varied selection of reading material, because I imagine that you will have a lot of quite reflective time to yourself where you will need to keep your mind occupied. I see you've got that Emma Woolf bio (which I haven't read, but have got a sample of the first chapter on my Kindle) which could work for and against you with the subject matter being - as one other commenter stated - potentially triggering. I also noticed a David Lodge book resting on your table. Have you read much of his stuff? I bought 'Deaf Sentence' not so long ago, but have yet to get around to it, being as I have thousands of books in my apartment - many of which I have yet to even turn a single page within.
ReplyDeleteDo you have a favourite kind of book or a topic that interests you a lot? Because I could send you a literary care package to help keep you occupied. I reckon you would do good to make sure that you have a good range of topics - fiction and non-fiction - to choose from, to keep your mind busy and not too much one tracked. If you stick to reading the same kind of thing all the time you can get yourself in a bit of a rut and when you're trying to break out of learned behaviours, in an attempt to release you from the confines of your mind's repetitive, obsessive, tunnel vision.
I see you also packed your favourite notebook too, which is grate because just having somewhere you can still benefit from the catharsis of journaling, will help you to work things out on paper, get some objectivity, record the odd epiphany and feel like you have a constant 'friend' to talk to when everyone else is pissing you off big time! You know that I'm the stationery queen by the way. I'm obsessed with the stuff and have a plethora of blank notebooks and journals stashed in my filing cabinet, should you ever want any more writing material. Maybe you'll want to take notes in group therapy, make note of sudden moments of clarity that really speak to you, or even just have a space to write 'Fuck it all!' over and over again, if needed. Whatever you use pen and paper for, you can never be without too much and again, I'm your go-to woman for care-packages of anything related to reading or writing!....
....You probably already know this, but it would be a good idea to try and get the med taking down to a more regular, normal daily intake before you get in there, because you know they'll be on you like pharmacy-nazis, making you sure only get and take the lowest possible doses of everything once you're in there. You're bound to be pretty stressed out for the first couple of days, so you need to be prepared to not have the meds crutch to rely on, as and when you feel like it.
DeleteIf it were me going in, I'd be making sure that I had all my make-up and skin-care regime stuff with me. Your skin will probably go through some break-outs as your nutrition intake improves and your meds are adjusted. Stress and unfamiliar water/air conditioning etc, can all play havoc with your skin too, so to be able to get into the habit of taking care of your skin every night and morning will help assuage the problems that may crop up. Take the time to pamper yourself a little every night, allowing yourself to end the day doing something that is good for you and that you will see actual benefits from - but then have make-up on hand too, for those days when you look like grim death and feel the need to just cover it all up and prevent people from repeatedly asking you 'do you feel ok?' You might not be much of a skin-care and make-up person, but sometimes it's nice to make the effort, and you'll definitely thank yourself in ten years time, if you've invested in/continued with a good skin care regime.
What are the rules regarding smoking there? Do you have allotted smoke breaks or can you go out for one whenever you feel like it? An electronic cigarette might be a good idea as an alternative for when you feel you need a nicotine hit, but the staff are refusing to let you go outside and spark a real one up.
Let me see, what else would I bring? Well, I'd bring my favourite perfume as it always lifts my mood to smell nice, especially if i'ts a fragrance that I associate with good times. It's a small thing, but smell is a very powerful sense that recalls all kinds of emotion and it's always nice to smell good.
What are the rules regarding your phone too? If you're allowed to have it, I'd download as many free game apps you can find that will help keep your mind occupied. I like Lexathon, The Logo Game and Trivia Quiz. If you can, get a newspaper app downloaded on there too, so you can stay constantly abreast of all the stuff going on in the world. And definitely get that WhatsApp installed too, so you can use it to send free texts to all your buddies who are looking out for you and wanting to stay in touch! You can also get a Blogger app installed on your phone too, which makes it real easy to either write up a few drafts for later publishing, or still post regularly on here. I use it when I'm out and about sometimes. ( <3)
An iPod would be a must for me (don't forget to pack all your chargers!!) because I'm a real music fiend (was listening to Bat for Lashes - Fur And Gold on the bus home today which reminded me of you!) or if you listen to stuff on your phone, make sure you've got all the stuff you want, downloaded on there ready for when you need to put those earbuds in and escape. Earplugs and an eye-mask might be useful if you're going to have to get used to trying to sleep in an unfamiliar environment where even if you have your own room you're bound to be annoyed by the sound of staff dicking about or other patients farting the room next door!
....Oh, be sure to put a pin lock on your phone too, so that it can't be ransacked by any Tom, Dick or Harry wanting to check up on you. I'm not encouraging you to try and go against any of your treatment advice or regulations, but a little privacy affords you the most basic of human decency. Likewise, if you have a lockable box or something where you can stash your diary and your private or valuable stuff, that could be a bonus (because you don't know what kind of other people will be in there with you) but I don't know if the facility regs will allow for that.
DeleteIf they let you put up pictures, photos and posters, they can always make a strange room feel more at home. A hot water bottle, for cozy, comfort and warmth during these increasingly colder, darker nights....and if you're a weirdo like me, you could bring a bottle of Febreeze or favourite fabric spray to make it smell more like home too. But hey, maybe that's just me being a weirdo. Scented candles might not be allowed, but I love having them around me and if they have issues with the power like you did at home today, they could come in handy at times!
I dunno....I always overpack whenever I go anywhere, but whilst you don't want to be trapping yourself in an unhealthily environment that provokes negative behaviours, just anything that will make you feel more comfortable, relaxed and able to deal with the challenges you'll be dealing with every day. If you're likely to have a fixed daily schedule it might be worth trying to get your sleep patterns and body clock in sync with what it'll be like there now, so it's not such a shock to the system. Anything to make the transition less stressful for you.
Most importantly, just keep reminding yourself that you're doing this to be good to yourself. You're there to get better, to make yourself a priority and become better able to treat your body the way it deserves. Whenever you feel as though you're a bit scared or uncomfortable, keep on keeping on. This is a brave and difficult decision, but one you came to logically and maturely when you realised just how much you needed this. Expect the shit days. Take the rough with the smooth and never forget just how many people out here are rooting for you.
Stay awesome missus and take each day as it comes.
Lots of love, hugs and positive vibes
B
x
I ll mail you later, just one thing: Emily Woolf's book IS triggering (starving in Oxford, I 'd beter stay away from it, hehe) she means well and all but she is so NOT over it, all she writes and does (tv too) is ED related, she still totally obsessed with the subject i do not think this really is recovery.. Xxx
ReplyDeleteEmma Woolf , SORRY!!
ReplyDeleteAnd more typos, sry sryyyyy!!!
ReplyDeleteXxxxxxxx
I never went to treatment but I did some counseling before I told my mom I didn't want to go. I got better on my own and definitely with the help of God. It just kind of disappeared after that. It was as though it never happened.. I don't know. I basically am combating al the emotional crap on my own at this point. Sometimes I lean on friends but I mean, I study Psychology and know a little bit of the inner workings and the tools to help myself at least. Pride gets in the way of me going to a counselor though.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best Ruby. Take your fears and look at them head on. Smash them. You are more. Healthy is scary but no one usually asks more of you than you do yourself. Success is a lifetime thing and you just have to allow yourself to breath and feel and explore. Life is beautiful. You're beautiful.
Love and tons of prayers!
You are strong ruby, so strong.
ReplyDeleteI can sense the girl inside you who is desperate to LIVE.
It is gonna be hard but take this opportunity and bleed it dry. You are owed the right to enjoy life.
Plus i bet your doggies would appreciate a more energised ruby and are dying for a new routine too haha!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ruuuuuuuuuby... I d fu have much advice, but I do have lots of love and well wishes.
ReplyDeleteYou already know I would really like the address... So email it to me, ok, my dear?
I'm excited and praying for you. It's going to be hard but I have all confidence in you.
Let me know if there is anything you need. <3
Scratch the hot water bottle idea - I just checked the facility rules and it says you're not allowed to bring any in with you for some reason. Don't know why as they're the best thing ever when it comes to things like menstrual cramps or just generally trying to cosy up on a cold autumn/winter night. On the plus side it does say that there are vending machines that sell cigarettes, so that's one less thing to worry about (although it's probably cheaper to get your mum to bring some in for you, if your vending machines are anything like the ones where I live - £10 for a pack of 16!!!!). I also saw that there is internet access in the Occupational Therapy unit, but I'm not sure if that is a supervised thing where you can only use it during specific times or if you have free reign to use it whenever you feel like it. It doesn't stipulate whether there is any WiFi access around the place either. The massage therapy thing sounds like a great way to help relax and the hairdressers and beauty therapy facilities are also a bit of a bonus when you feel like tarting yourself up a bit! I know they offer art therapy, but I wonder if there are any provisions for you to perhaps pursue some kind of course in creative writing because I know that this is your thing and you'd probably benefit from having a positive outlet for your creative energies. Do you ever read any books about creative writing at all? I'm a bit obsessed with them because I've got a lot of writing goals myself (one more thing we have in common!) I have lots on my Kindle but I've got quite a few paper based ones too that you're welcome too if you fancy having something to read and work with whilst you're in there.
ReplyDeleteI just realised: if you're in there for 12 weeks, you are going to be in there for Christmas. Will you be allowed home at all to celebrate any of it with your family or will you be in there for the duration? Which would you prefer?
It's 6.26am here on Wednesday morning here and I just realised that it's only a couple of days before you're going in there. How are you feeling now? Are you prepared? Has it sunk in yet or are you still sort of in a state of disbelief? Can't imagine how you're feeling right now but am actually really excited for you. Excited that you've gotten to the point in your mind where you know what's best for you and that you've done the right thing in taking steps to facilitate your recovery. Will definitely stay in touch with you one way or the other whilst your in there and I can see that there are a good few others who are also rooting for you, so you needn't think you're alone whilst you're in there. We might not all be with you in person, but we're there in spirit.
Much love
B
xx
When I Was forced into inpatient treatment, it all seemed a blur initially I was so very Ill, my anxiety was through the roof. I guess the thing to remember is not to get sucked into other people's stuff, you are there for you no one else, the people in there have their own issues and will (unintentionally) project their stuff and you have to let go of their issues with love and concentrate on yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt is 100% normal to want to run screaming from the place, thinking you were a fool to go In and that you made the wrong decision, under threat my eating disorder made me find a way to leave three times and be dragged back against my will, if you can, however difficult remind yourself of why you are there.
Utilise the therapy sessions, some of the stuff is useful. I think even for people with non ed, I appreciated having time to think about things I hadn't thought of like managing anxiety with mindfulness.
Be aware for loads of rules that in real life would drive you nuts, like not being allowed tweezers in your room, toilet supervision after meals, bathroom supervision, being made to sit down for an hour post meal, having time limits for meals, and replacement drinks for meals unfinished, no caffeine for first two weeks, fluid charts and secure units with codes, with observations being carried out depending on risk level. Ward round once a week and weigh ins twice a week, maybe spot weighs if suspicions are believed by the 'team'.
Does any of that sound familiar to your stay last time? I remember also being only allowed three dislikes and only if they were believed to be 'appropriate dislikes' rather than ED dislikes.
Also trying to have all questions you have in your head answered before you go in to curb anxiety. Like what portions you are starting on. This may make no sense but I was on something called 1/4s with milk and no one told me anything until I got there so I was so confused why I had one thing and other patients had other portions.
Ooh also see if they have Internet connection (wifi) and what their policy is on mobile phones, being able to make contact with people outside is a good idea to to get too sucked into the environment there.
Sorry just my rambling thoughts. Do any of the rules and stuff I have said apply to where you are going Ruby?
I highly recommend bringing a novel series that has nothing to do with food. I just read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series six books in all and they were awesome. The author loves tea as much as you do! Good luck sweetie!
ReplyDeleteFuuuuuuuck I've been away sick for too long :(
ReplyDeleteRoutine is comfortable because it is familiar. I hope you can slowly learn to enjoy the spice a little uncertainty can add. (Like buying something online and not knowing when it'ss show up. Today? Tomorrow? GAH THE SUSPENSE!)
Ooooh new routine after treatment? New routine that means more space fo ryou inside your head? That would be awesome.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu- I hate paperwork.I HATE ALL THE PAPERWORK. Lol they'd have to make me sign a contract to NOT verbally smackdown idiots while in there. Of course, arguing with someone whose brain is starvation-stalled isn't fair. It's like arguing philosophy with a 5-year-old :/
LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU RUBY!!! *Long distance flying hugs*