Bulimic's dream / Anorectic's nightmare

So I survived Christmas day
Just about
How about you?
I came the whole way to Sydney to experience Christmas in the sun bit in honour of me it rained all day
Oh well at least I felt at home
Jet lag still has me feeling like I'm high
Is it wrong that I love that feeling?
I was pretty anxious about the day as my sisters partners family were coming for dinner and I'd never met them before
I didn't want to be falling asleep in my dinner so I didn't take my meds until after they had left
My sister, her partner Jen, my mother and I all pitched in to put a traditional Christmas dinner together
Roast turkey, ham and all the trimmings
Jen's parents and her gran arrived for dinner at 2pm
It was a bulimic's dream and an anorectic's nightmare
I couldn't decide between the two
We all got to know each other over canapes
I spoke to avoid eating
Then came a round of oysters
Under a bit of pressure from my sister I downed one
Through gritted teeth I said 'mmmm' and tried not to throw up
Then it was time for the main event
There were literally mountains of food
Turkey
Ham
Prawns
Potatoes
Veg
Salad
Gravy
And more

My sister

I took the smallest plate so my meagre portion wouldn't stand out
My plan was to eat just a little so I wouldn't feel the urge to purge
But even with eating so little, I felt incredibly uncomfortable
I was the first one finished and I waited until people were deep in conversation and then excused myself to 'have a cigarette'
The tiny bathroom was right beside the kitchen with only a plaster wall separating it
I took a gamble and decided to purge
I am quick and quiet so I figured I'd get away with it
I only hope that the toilet would flush it all down
I pressed the flush and prayed
Yes, thank God it's gone
I tidied myself up
Washed the vomit off my face
Tried to stop my eyes watering and sat back down at the table

Then dessert
Not one but two desserts
Fruit pavlova and Christmas pudding with brandy cream

I opted for a small piece of pavlova thinking I could manage to keep it down
But no
Oh no
Again bulimia reared her ugly head and demanded attention
I excused myself for a second time
I was confident I would get away with it
Big mistake Ruby
I forgot that cream or ice cream doesn't flush well
After I flushed it all rose to the top if the water and floated there like white rose petals
I flushed once, twice, three times but they were still there
I couldn't risk flushing again without drawing attention to myself
So I covered the water with toilet paper and hoped the next person wouldn't notice
I sat back down at the table praying no one would cotton on to my antics
I couldn't concentrate on the conversation
All I could think about were those white petals that could give me away
How embarrassing would it be for my potential in laws to find out that I'm a raging bulimic the first time we meet
I couldn't stand it any longer and I again excused myself to the bathroom
I flushed again
Rose petals still there
There was only one thing for it
I had to fish them out by hand
I plunged my hand in to the toilet water and tried to scoop them out
It took a while but I managed to get them all
Relief
At least now I wouldn't be found out
At worst they probably think I 'm a little bit strange
Who ever said eating disorders were glamorous, come walk a day in my shoes
This is the ugly face of bulimia
It's scary
It's messy
It's disgusting
It's what I live every single day
While everyone else was enjoying Christmas dinner, I was fishing the contents of my stomach out of a toilet bowl
And the sick thing is that for me that is normal
It's part and parcel of a bulimic's day
Just another day at the office
The minute the guests left I downed 2 days of meds and slept for the rest of the day
If I'm not careful I'll have all my meds gone by week two

Other snap shots of Christmas day