Monday 26 November 2012

Suicidal Blonde

Last night I pulled out a notebook to do some writing
As I did it fell open on the last page
I saw some writing and when I looked closer I saw that there were messages on it from girls I had been in treatment with
I must have had this notebook with me in there
I've been in treatment twice in the last year
I read the names and the notes of love and encouragement
Immediately memories came flooding back of my time in treatment
Of meeting each other for the first time
Nervously checking each other out
Wondering if the others thoughts you were fat
Having that first awkward conversation
We became firm friends fast
Spent every waking moment together
I remember meeting every morning to go to group
Queueing up to go to lunch (we were always first, why I don't know, you'd think we would have been last)
Having post meal group
Curling our legs under us in an attempt to look smaller
Hanging out in the smoking room chains smoking
Sneaking out if the grounds to go on marathon walks
Shopping for new clothes when our own got too small
Waiting on the chairs in silence in our pyjamas every Monday, Wednesday and Friday waiting to be weighed
We knew by looking at each other whether we had lost or gained
We could read each other like a book
We laughed together
Cried together
Came through it all together
We were girls from every corner  of the country
City girls
Country girls
We were all so different but we were bound by thee common thread of our illness
I never felt as comfortable as I did around these girls



I remember we used to get anxious when we knew that a new girl was coming in
How sick would she be?
How thin would she be?
Will we look fat beside her?
But of course the girls that came in were all different sizes
From emaciated to over weight and everything in between
Sometimes there was competition to be the most ill
Sometimes girls craved attention
Others didn't want any at all
But as a group we stuck together



We came through the wars together
When one was flailing we carried her
When someone cried we held her



When someone left we hoped she'd be ok
But the reality was that the same girls came in time and time again
I've been in there 3 times and have seen the same girls come and go
Like  any addiction relapse is part of the illness


I remember being down in the coffee shop one day
The kids from the adolescent ward were also there
I saw one girl who was very thin and deathly pale
I couldn't stop looking at her and it made me so very sad
All of a sudden it occurred to me that that was what my family saw when they looked at me
Is  that what I look like?
I saw the same girl a couple of months later and she looked great
I hope she's ok

These girls were so beautiful
So talented
Artistic
But they didn't know it
They thought they were unlovable
Worthless
Fat
They came in and out of the revolving door  of treatment
Lose weight
Treatment
Gain weight
Lather, rinse, repeat
People presume that because I've regained some weight this year that I must be well now
But of course this isn't true
They don't know what goes on behind closed doors
They don't know that I purge up to 10 times a day
That every day is a fresh hell
That I am hanging on by my fingertips




I have considered going back in to treatment
The last time I was there they told me  that I only have one more chance to come back
So you see I have to use it wisely
I have to make sure that if I do go back in that I am committed
The last time it took me a year to muster up the courage to ring
One thing always stops me from picking up the phone
The fear of losing my eating disorder
Even though it's driving me insane, I still get incredibly anxious when I think of life without it
If it was taken away what would be left?
A big eating disorder shaped hole?
I suppose what would be left is me and that's exactly what I've been running from all these years
I just don't know anymore
I just don't know



Have you been in treatment or are you thinking of going in?
If you were me would you go back in?

19 comments:

  1. This post made me smile but also sad at the same time... Seems like treatment has helped you tremendously but there's still some way to go to become truly healthy...you deserve to recover and live!!! :) Like you felt for this one girl you saw once sick and once better, I feel for you!! You're worth it, do NOT listen to the lies the ED tells you!!!
    If I were you I would go back to treatment, please do hun, there is only one way to beat this and that is by going forward, and going back to treatment would be a huge step forward, trust me!!!
    Me too I decided to finally go inpatients, outwardly I look just fine but inwardly i'm one sick mess;) Now I want to truly recover and say yes to life....we have this choice!!!
    Please take care of yourself and listen to your one and only TRUE intuition, you CAN and WILL recover if you WANT!:) Let's do it together:) I believe in you!!
    *big supportive hug*
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you sweetie for such kind words
      I am seriously thinking about going in to treatment in the new year, I have to give myself the best possible chance to get well. I'm trying so very hard not to listen to my eating disorder and do the opposite of what it wants

      We can do this together
      I believe in you too

      Hugs right back atcha x

      Delete
  2. Beautiful post... we are an unique, creative, and special bunch of people. I've never been physically sick enough to go treatment. And I have never reached out for it. Only you know what's best for you though darling... And when you're ready to give it your all.

    I understand about the whole eating disordered shaped hole... I think in my situation anyway that when things start to fill in that hole the whole emptiness starts to go away. Things are happening so quickly for me, and I am hopeful that this is the time I will be set free. I hope that that time comes for you soon too xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Destiny

      You're right, I know in my heart that treatment is the right decision for me, I'm just going round in circles at the moment
      I see a therapist once a week but an hour a week is just not enough. I need more than that

      Hope you're well Destiny x

      Delete
  3. I've nominated you for the Libster Blog Award. Check out my post and see what you have to do!
    You're so amazing and strong! Love you! Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, thank you so much Camille!
      I'm blown away!
      I'm going to check it out right now

      Love you too x

      Delete
  4. i have been in treatment for 5 months
    n ur post describes it well that underneath jealousy
    u want to be the thinnest
    places like that i think are for people who have completely lost control of their illnesses and really need help
    if u think u cannot manage day to do and would benefit from 24 hr support and are prepared mentally to put on weight and engage in therapy then do it u have to be committed else it will just be another notch on hospital admissions
    i mean i always think when i think about recovery do i want to still have this for another year 5yrs or ten years do i want to be that old woman in an ed unit that everyone is scared of i always think no i want to live life and not be dictated to by numbers
    stay strong email me if u wanna talk
    love you
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is so true, I don't want to go in unless I am 100% ready and committed. It's a big commitment for the whole family so I don't want to put them through that for no good reason.
      I think about that too, do I really want to lose another 12 years to this illness? Definitely not
      I'm losing the best years of my life and I'm not willing to lose any more time, friends, health

      Thank you lovely

      Love you too x

      Delete
  5. ooooh i remember being so nervous each time there was a new admission!! i met some amazing people there, a few who i have stayed in close contact with and one who i now consider my best friend. sadly i would love to go back. i am just too fat to go though!!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. I know it was so nerve wrecking when a new girl came

    I feel like that too, that I amn't thin enough to go in but it's more about our state of mind and our behaviours than our weight

    Thanks for your comment x

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you've only one chance left to go, please make sure you're super committed. I hope it works well for you. I really do.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I met some amazing girls in treatment. Some that I became so close with and others I didn't care for. At times I miss treatment because of all the support I got in there. All the groups to keep my mind busy. If you feel like you're not ready to give up your ed, don't waste your last chance. Make the opportunity of treatment worth it in the end. Stay strong my dear.
    XOXO

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Katie, I will make sure that I don't waste my chance x

      Delete
  9. you are an amazing person ruby, I maintain and stick by that. You are not defined by your eating disorder the labels that they give us are merely that; labels. You are like those girls you describe: talented, artistic, wonderful wonderful human beings, smart intelligent, full of compassion and strength.

    I love you.
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Rayya for your kind words

      I love you too x

      Delete
  10. You only get one more shot at treatment??? That seems really really unfair.
    I did go to treatment over the past summer- but only outpatient treatment, so it wasn't the same at all. I still connected instantly with other ED girls though, and it was a great feeling that I can only hope to recreate through blogging.
    If I were you I would go back into treatment. But why do you only get one more shot? Is it just at that particular hospital? Is it because your insurance refuses to pay for any more? If the first, I would defnitely go back. If the second, maybe not until you're ready. Either way, purging ten times a day is probably enough to warrant inpatient treatment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's just this particular treatment centre that I only have one more chance. I think it's because I have been in there 3 times already.
      I suppose I could go to a different one but it would take ages to get in to because I am on methadone x

      Delete
  11. I've never been in treatment. Getting bad enough to be put in treatment would mean being declared unable to take care of myself and having my parents put in charge of me again. That would be incredibly fucking bad. Abusive mental illness deniers in charge of a mentally ill person's medical care? YEAH NO THANKS FUCK THAT SHIT! I'd kill myself before I let that happen.

    I see girls like that at work and around town (More since the only IP clinic left here lost all it's ED beds. Now it's the psych hospital or the ICU) and it breaks my heart. I want to hug them and tell them it's ok, but I'm too scared to.

    HELLO UM HI YEAH you are one of those beautiful talented artistic people too. YOU ARE SO DON'T TRY TO SAY YOU'RE NOT. What do you want to do inthe time the E is currently taking up? Write? Teach dance? Become a professional dog walker? Herd cats? Share your story and help others? Open a bakery? Make the next Gangnam Style? Turn your dogs into Internet Celebrities? The cats need some competition after all.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_AbfPXTKms
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4

    Seriously, you deserve to live a life not ruled by numbers and counting and puking and food. You deserve to do things that will make you happy and provide interest and show the world the BAMF you are. Or even just to show it to yourself.

    COZ YOU ARE MORE BADASS THAN NICK FURY.

    Thank you for the encouragement and support. You're amazing. When I look at all the people who have 'made it' I wonder how they fuck I can ever think to do the same too. I grew up reading Anne McCaffrey interviews back in the 80s and 90s before we had the wide internet access and global culture and writing did NOT pay the bills. Now it can pay millions within a year. What the crap?

    I want to pull a 5k day and finish a bit early. Lol, finish early. Who am i kidding? I work best when under pressure and cornered like a rat in a trap! (Be warned: Implied dragon secks is coming up in NaNo. 0.0; WHY WHY WHY DO I DO THIS WHY??/?)


    Love you so much. I hope you can find reasons and strength to get through this shit. You are AWESOME *hugs*

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  12. Thank you dear Peri, as ever you have put a big smile on my face

    You are so right, there are loads of things I want to do, writing my story in to a book being the main one
    It would be difficult but so is anything that is really worth doing
    I'm going to buy a nice new notebook and start scribbling

    You are so close Peri, so very close to the end
    I for one am so proud of you for getting through it as I know it wasn't easy, I haven'y finished reading all of it but I will
    I want to know what happens to path

    Love you Peri, sending love and hugs from across the world x

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Thank you for leaving some love x