Friday 24 August 2012

Why?

I often wonder why?
Why me?
Do you?
I suppose I could also ask why not me?
But mostly I ask why me?
Why did I become a heroin addict?
Why did I develop an eating disorder?
Where did it all start?

I can trace my food issues back to when I was a child
My father was a heavy drinker and a control freak and my mother was an enabler
All of us kids wanted her to leave him, begged her to but it wasn't until I was 18 that she finally got the courage to walk
She has since told me that she didn't want to leave until her kids were raised
I can understand this but I often wonder if things turned out different if she had left earlier
My mother and father couldn't be more different
Where he is insecure, she is confident
Where was is a drinker, she rarely has a drink
Where he is a controller, she is a free spirit
Where he is a loner, she is a social butterfly
So while my house was full of anger, chaos and tension I turned to the one thing I had for comfort, food
I loved my food
I remember people used to always say to me 'Ruby, you have such a great appetite, you really love your food'
I hated when people said this, I thought they were saying I was greedy
I didn't want to be a 'good eater'
I wanted to a petite, delicate eater, eating little bites and saying 'oh no thanks, I'm full'
I remember going to my bestfriends house next door
Her mother was an amazing cook and they always had a big, black pot on the stove
Everyday I would say 'what's in the big, black pot today?'
And her mother would let me taste the yummy food
In fact, a lot of my childhood memories are related to food
A few years ago I was going through old photo albums
I found a letter I had written to my mother when I was maybe 6 or 7
It simply said 'Dear mammy, thank you for all the lovely dinners, love from Ruby'

As a grew in to an anxst ridden teenager, food took a back seat as I discovered drink and drugs
But out of my group of friends, I was the only one who went on to heroin and became addicted
So why me?
Why out of all my friends did my life become so unmanageable?
I guess the answer is complicated
First of all I look at my fathers side of the family
There are 9 in his family and everyone of them has battled addiction in one form or another, including drink, drugs and food
So genetics was against me from the get go
Addiction was never discussed growing up so I had no idea I was vulnerable
My uncle died when I was 10
We were told he had died of a brain tumour but then heard on the grapevine that he had in fact died on the street from a drug over dose
Like a lot of things in my family, it was never discussed, it was just brushed under the carpet
Environment was also a factor
I had grown up around addiction therefore it was familiar
Wanting to escape also, I was so unhappy at home and spent as little time as possible there
The tension in our house was thick, one wrong word and my father could blow his lid
He was ok when he was drunk, all happy and loving
But it was the hangovers you had to watch out for
I remember one morning my mother asked my father if he wanted breakfast
He picked up his cup of tea and threw it in her face

I guess the company I kept also contributed
All my friends dabbled in drugs and as I became addicted I only hung around with addicts
I started going out with a boy when I was 16
I knew he was in to drugs and that was part of the attraction
Just after my 18th birthday he introduced me to heroin
I remember that night so well
He injected and I smoked
The next time I also injected
I was hooked instantly
We stayed together for the next 6 years but we were more like partners in crime than boyfriend and girlfriend
So I suppose bad luck also played a part
Being in the wrong place at the wrong time

All the while I was addicted to drugs my eating disorder was silently developing
I had no idea I had anorexia until a nurse sat me down and told me
In the beginning it wasn't about weight at all
All I knew was that not eating made me feel good
I chopped and changed addictions for the next few years from food to alcohol to drugs to prescription drugs
Shop lifting was also a problem
I started shoplifting as a young teenager and used it as a way to get money for drugs
I also began shoplifting food to binge on and have only stopped doing that recently

Out of 6 people in my family, 4 of us are addicts but thankfully all of us are in recovery
My brother is the only child who has escaped addiction
Tellingly, he is the most like my mother
He is able to have a glass of wine with dinner and leave it at that
I never do this
I didn't drink to enjoy the drink I drank to get drunk
As they say in AA 'One is too many and a thousand never enough'
Tellingly my brother is most like my mother
I think I am a mixture of both my mother and father
For the next few years I chopped and changed between addictions, from drugs to food to alcohol to prescription drugs
Ironically, it wasn't until my family turned their back on me that I finally saw what a mess I was
Up until this point they had enabled me, giving me money, bailing me out of situations, my mother even drove me to my dealer
But when they stopped all this I was up shit creek
I was totally alone
My boyfriend and I had broke up and I was a young girl in a big city with a heroin habit
So, so vulnerable
I got in to so much trouble, did unspeakable things for money and of course people took advantage of me
With the support of my family I managed to quit heroin and stop drinking
I haven't used or drank in nearly 3 years
Prescription drugs are another matter
After having a short time clean, I've recently gone back to abusing them
I'm on methadone, anti anxiety and an anti depressant and I abuse them all
So technically I'm not clean at all
When I first got clean I used to go to AA and NA but stopped going as I was experiencing massive anxiety
I also felt excluded from the group but that was probably my fault as I kept at a distance and never went to social gatherings
I could do with the support right now but I can't see myself going back any time soon

My eating disorder is still very active
I spent most of yesterday binging and purging
I have a path worn fro my kitchen to my bathroom
I did make an appointment to see Mary next week and hopefully I can get back on track with her help
To be honest, I can't imagine a life without my eating disorder
What would I do?
What would I think about?
How would I spend my time?
What would I work towards?
I suppose the answer is I would have a life
I'd have friends
I'd have a boyfriend
I'd go to school
I 'd have a job
I''d have hobbies
I' be just like everyone else
Average
And that scares the living shit out of me
As much as I don't like to admit it, my eating disorder makes me different
It makes me stand out
Dare I say, it makes me special
I don't want to be average
I want to be different
I want to be me

I often wonder if I could go back in time would I change anything?
I think I can honestly say that I wouldn't
As hard and as low as addiction and anorexia/bulimia have been, there have also been highs
I have been to drug and eating disorder treatment 7 times and I have met some of the most amazing people
The other girls I have met who have eating disorders have been, without exception, the most kind, giving, talented and beautiful people I have ever met
I would never have met them otherwise
The picture of the angel below is a drawing a lad in treatment gave to me
He made it in art therapy
He and I were very close and he gave me this picture with a beautiful message on the back
I was blown away and so touched
We are still in touch
So no, I wouldn't change a thing except maybe how much I hurt those around me
Through addiction I have experienced so many things that I otherwise would not have
I've been to the university of life

I was wondering about you
How did your story start?
Would you change anything if you could?

Here's some random photos from my room










Thank for reading x

25 comments:

  1. Sweet holy fuck I got asked the same question today. "Do you think it was good that your Dad stayed with your Mum?" 0.0 There are some environments it's not healthy or safe for kids to be in, no matter how much they need the parenting figure.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a gourmet! I wish we could instil in little girls the idea that there is nothing wrong and everything right with enjoying food and life.

    *Hugs* You had the bad luck to have the combination of nature and nurture that lead to the ED and addiction. I'm so massively proud of you for beating off the heroin and booze. You have shown more strength than most people by doing that.

    Average doesn't exist :p Without the ED sucking your energy and time you can be MORE you and MORE different and LESS ed-machine. You won't have the same hobbies as everyone else, either. Find your speciality.

    That reminds me of a quote "Never regret anything. If it was good, it's a memory. If it was bad, it was experience" You wouldn't be the person you are without the experiences you've had.

    I love the angel! That's so awesome. And ZOMFG PUPPEHS! So cute! *Starts plotting a dognapping* Jk, jk!

    Your comment didn't get lost! I was working through the ones I needed to reply to. I have moderation on so I can actually see and reply to them, lol. (And if someone posts and email addy or something it isn't there for the world to see)

    I bloody know about the weight BS right? They focus on the fucking SYMPTOM and not the ACTUAL PROBLEM and wonder why their success rate is so low. Fuck! It's like trying to treat an infection by spraying on perfume for the smell instead of getting the bloody dettol and washing it out properly. That commercial needs to be made. Miles is a filmmaker and getting pretty damn slick with his ads.(youtube.com/user/fortunetheatre) Hmmmm collaboration?

    Lol I have an imperial fuckton of knitting to do before I can cark it. Mich's blanket has taken nearly 3 years and it's still barely half-done! The Venlafaxine has me all doped up so I'm not int he mood-emergency I was a few weeks ago. It makes it harder to take it seriously.

    That paragraph was pretty expurgated. There was no way I could tell her everything in an hour. I feel like I'm whining all "woe is me" about normal stuff but when I try to talk to Miles about some of it his reaction tells me some of it was rather fucked up.

    I have a really easy pattern for a fingerless glove/armwarmer that I can post for you if you like? I adapted it from a pattern written in "Texan Woman" sizes. . . Even the smaller version fits on Miles OVER a jersey and jacket! Makes a nice anti-cold-draft airlock XD There is no fiddly thumb bit, just a hole to poke it through, and the hand/finger portion can be made as long or short as you need. It's knit flat and sewed up for extra easyness. I also made a smaller pattern for bitches with skinny wrists. Ravelry.com is also good. Their pattern search is can be so specific it boggles the mind.

    Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I want to hug you right back and never let go. Like some annoying toddler that clings to your leg :p You're amazing and I feel privileged to be able to read your posts and talk to you.

    I hope you have a good weekend up there in the sunny northern hemisphere. Take care of yourself, Amazing Ruby. The world would be a dark place without you <3

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    1. I'm so glad you got that comment, I meant every word

      I'm sending the love right back atcha,
      Love you, love your posts and especially love your comments,

      Yay, I would love to get that pattern off you, I used to knit when I was in treatment but truth be told I'm not that good at it. We made Christmas decorations once and my stocking looked like a wonky willy, lol

      I hope things work out with the new lady your seeing, I really do, you deserve to be happy and I've no doubt you will be.

      Hope you have a good weekend too,
      Hugs from the Emerald Isle,

      Love ya x

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    2. Omg you've been replying to comments here and I haven't been seeing them *facepalms* I'm sorry!

      I'll definitely post those patterns with photos of what they make up. They'll probably go on my craft blog, since I need to stop being such a slack bitch and post there more often. (Forcing the cheerful needed for it is annoying after a day at work. I just want to say "Look. hat. I made it. Pretty." but need to say more for people at work who read it >.<)

      Omg wonky willy? Like these?
      http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/knit-penis-chapstick-holder
      http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/penispoopcakewaffle-sock
      My mate knitted those socks in navy and white for her graduation :3

      Thank you *Hugs* No words for how wonderful you are and how much I love you.

      For University do what you love. There is no shame in not going or deciding "Fuck this shit!" after a year or two (Or even a semester. Fucking commerce OMG.) It's a real shame to waste years and thousands on something you find you no longer enjoy or discovered wasn't as interesting as you thought it would be. It's hard to put hours in studying for an exam when you hate the subject with a passion. *coughfinancecough*

      You probably have several books in you. Tell us your stories! Can I convince you to do NaNoWriMo with me this year? :p

      Take care of yourself and I hope your weekend went well. Lots of love and many hugs from the Land of Greenstone Waters *hugs*

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    3. I'll definitely check out those patterns, thank you

      Not to sound stupid but what is NaNoWriMo?
      I'm going to google it right now

      Take good care of you too my sweet,
      Hope your weekend is going well too,
      Mine has consisted of eating lots of sausages, yay for protein!!

      Love from the land of leprechauns x

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  2. Lovely pictures my dear, I have always wondered what your dogs looked like, thank you yet again for sharing another part of your life.
    I can imagine how hard it must have been for you, with all that addiction around you, and I also want to be different, yet I live in a paradox, I strive to appear normal, like everyone else, yet am so conscious of the fact that I am an alien, an outsider. It saddens me, because I know if push came to shove I would want to feel a part of the world, not standing on the periphery.

    We have no more power to change a thing than we do to change the seasons.. so I prefer to just accept this, and try to live life. I guess thats the hardest thing for me "accepting" but I am making progress, and I think thats what counts.

    Love you honey, x

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    1. I know the feeling Rayya,

      For the longest time I wanted to be like everyone else, wanted to be liked an accepted.
      But the older I get the more I see that it's our quirks and differences that make us interesting.
      I used to think that if people felt sorry for me than they would like me but now I don't mind so much if someone doesn't like me, it's ok

      Love you too Rayya darling,

      Take good care of you x

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  3. I always wonder if I could change anything would I have??? I really dont know. I mean being molested as a child made me stronger as an adult. My 10 year addiction with meth has made me more aware of the world and peoples problems. My eating issues that I have had as long as I can remember has made me not greedy. my depression has made me humble. so I have no idea I guess I worry that if I changed anything would I change for the worst???

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    1. I know what you mean Linny, even though we've been through so much there is always a silver lining and a lesson to learn from every experience.

      You've had a lot to deal with and I'm so glad you're doing well,
      You're an inspiration x

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  4. I'm blown away every time I read one of your posts. You've gone through so much, it would destroy most people, make them so negative. Yet you are still one of the nicest, most positive people I know. I'm so proud of you and everything you've achieved. You should be so so so proud of yourself for how much you've worked for in the past three years.

    As for those questions. I'm still not sure where this has stemmed from. I think I've worked it out, like for months I blamed my break up with my boyfriend because that caused my first fast as I felt too bad about myself afterwards to eat anything, but then I remember even when we were going out I would pride myself in not eating anything around him or his friends, because I felt I'd look more controlled and appealing. And then I think about all the extreme diets I would put myself on before I even knew him, and all the times I cried because of how I looked. And then how every time a family member gets ill I would either comfort eat or starve myself, and I don't even know any more.
    I don't know if I would change anything. Actually, I would love to go back to the day I first made myself sick, and tell myself how bad it would get down the line; I had no idea how addictive it would be.

    I love those photos, they're beautiful; like you are.
    Love you Ruby.

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    1. Awh, thank you sweetie and so lovely to hear from you

      I can relate so much, turning to food for comfort, it's the nearest thing to hand for me
      Purging is something I wish I'd never started such, the binge/purge cycle is never ending and it's exhausting

      I hope you can find some relief
      You are so strong and I just know you can overcome this
      I'm always here for you

      Love you too x

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    2. Thank you. Sorry this is such a late reply, I've got so behind with all blog related stuff.
      It really means a lot.
      Any time if you want someone to talk to just email me. My address is on my blog, or ask for it any time?
      Take care.

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  5. thank you for this post. i relate a lot to this. i love your honest and raw words, they really touch me.

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  6. Ruby Missy Lovely,

    I'm a little lost for words, I can't find them. All I know is that I can relate to so much you have written about changing and being average and wanting to stay different ED wise. I'm terrified too. I think that's why I keep contemplating running away from all the help in the other direction. I have no idea what to do. How did you decide to enter treatment the first time, or did you not get a choice? I'm so afraid, I'm so afraid it might make me want to be healthy, and I don't want it, I don't want it, and I know that is my ill head, but I dont care, i dont want a healthy head. UGH SO STUCK.

    Sorry, this had become a ramble rant. Your words are beautiful, and your dogs, and yourself, and I'm sorry I can't find better words to tell you how much your posts and comments mean to me xxx

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  7. Sweet, sweet P,

    I hope you see this reply
    I find it hard to recall the first time I went to treatment for my eating disorder but I will try
    I had been to drug treatment already so I kind of knew what was instore
    I remember feeling sick and tired of felling sick and tired
    I was working at the time (I don't know how) and my co workers had expressed concern
    I was so, so ill and one day my mother suggested we go to the local hospital, I was too weak to resist so we went to A&E
    The hospital had just lost someone to anorexia so they took me seriously and admitted me for 3 weeks
    From there I went to the local psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks, then off to treatment in Dublin
    I'm not going to lie, I was terrified but it turned out to be a good experience. O f course the food and weight gain were tough but the 24 support was invaluable.
    I urge you to take the chance if your given it, even getting out of the place your in will help, will give you some clarity.
    Maybe researching the place they want you to go will help, maybe even visit if you can.
    I promise you that whatever you're going through, there will be so many others who can identify with you.
    You're not alone, I promise you that

    I guess what I'm trying to say is give it a chance, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain (pardon the pun)
    When I first entered treatment I said to myself that I would give it 6 months and if nothing changed I could go back to anorexia.
    Anorexia/bulimia will always be there, recovery won't

    Give yourself the best gift you possibly could, the gift of health and happiness.
    As a good friend said to me once, it's not a choice between the eating disorder and recovery, it's a choice between life and death

    Please choose life Sweet P,
    You are too beautiful,
    Too talented
    And you are love so very much

    I am always here to help in any way I can and I'm right with you on this journey, let's do it together

    Sending you love, courage and faith

    Ruby x

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    1. By the way I forgot to say that weight is not an indicator of how sick we are, I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weight.
      If you are like me you probably worry that you are not sick enough but it's about our mental state and our behaviours more than our weight.

      Love you x

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    2. Seconded. It's a mental illness, 'thinness' is a symptom, that's all. I have always been 'disordered', whatever my weight! x

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  8. Thank you Ruby, I will see what happens I guess funding isnt a guarantee nowadays anyway and when it gets nearer ill consider it seriously with my carecoordinator before deciding eitherway. im just so afraid i might learn to accept myself and that thought disgusts me which is y i tend to flee from help. i have twice before its a wonder they are even trying to reach out anymore. the only reason i moved bk to my parents for a few months was to escape treatment. theyd threatened to section me three times and i fled. that was an awful idea as home made me literally medically psychotic so i fled aqay bk to durham overdosed and found myself bk in mhservices. ugh sorry i rambled. love u ta for taking time to reply it means a lot xxx

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  9. I always have time for you Sweet P,
    Anything I can do to help, just let me know

    You are worth getting well for, remember that x

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  10. Bad things happen to good people, and the other way around. That's the most unfair part of life.


    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com


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  11. I don't think I'd change my past either. It makes us who we are, for better or worse. I could regret all the awful things I've done in the past, or I could accept it and move on. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.

    I am enjoying the pictures, it is great to get a sense of you!

    I love the angel picture.

    I hope you're ok.

    x

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    1. Hey Aggy,

      So good to hear from you!

      I agree, I think the good and the make us who we are,

      I am ok, I hope you are too x

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  12. What a strong, brave and inspiring soul you are. You have truly been through a lot. Could you do one thing for me? To never view yourself as a victim or a failure, but as a survivor. 'cause that is what you are.

    I wouldn't change my past either. It has involved pain, but it has also made me who I am today. Through past experiences I've become both stronger and wiser.

    You are so beautiful, Ruby. Such a precious soul. Your comment on my blog filled me with joy - you deserve those positive experiences. Let's work to keep up that joy, shall we? It is not easy, but it is possible.

    Love to you, dearest.
    xx

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    1. Hell dear Hedda,

      Than you for such kind words,
      I have often said that to others, that they are a survivor and not a victim but it never occurred to me to call myself a survivor. Sometimes it feels like all this happened to someone else, it's strange

      Yes, let's definitely keep up the joy, I just hope I can

      Love right back atcha Hedda x

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Thank you for leaving some love x